Jayne Dough

The Naked Eye by Desmond Morris

2012-02-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

Fascinating, eclectic, entertaining & well written.

--Jayne's review

Malta: Returning from first trip on a new yacht
Returning in the Argo to the yacht marina after an exhausting trip, I make a cardinal error. I forget the unwritten rule of marine etiquette which states that you must always slow your speed down to a crawl when entering the harbour. The reason for this is that failure to do so will spill several gallons of gin & tonic. Most of the large, glamorous and obscenely expensive vessels in the harbour are floating gin palaces. They rarely if ever set out to sea. Instead they snugly safe along the length of the marina quay. If a small 30-footer like mine forgets itself and comes in at speed, all these millionaires' toys start to rock from side to side, and hundreds of brimming gin glasses cascade onto the immaculate decks and the elegant cabin floors. This is social sacrilege of the highest order and I have just committed it.

As I secure the Argo's ropes, I can already see a wiry figure clambering out of a long, sleek vessel to my left. His deep red face contrasts vividly with the pure white of his hair and his long, white, drooping moustache. He is leaning purposefully forward as he walks, as if heading into a strong wind, and he is not a happy man. To my dismay I see that additional figures are now emerging explosively from other vessels and are heading in the same direction of my mooring berth. From their expressions it is clear that keel-hauling is too good for me.

"I say, may I have a word with you?" -- the dreaded words that mean a polite Englishman is seething with anger. This is clearly time for a small experiment in human behavior. The last thing in the world that these approaching figures expect from me is a grovelling admission of (a) guilt, (b) remorse or (c) crass stupidity. What they do expect is (a) excuses, (b) defiance or (c) protestations of innocence. The secret in such situations is to give them the unexpected. So I go into full grovel.

...I explain that I am a complete idiot, that I have no excuse for my disgusting behaviour, and that, unlike them, I am a complete novice in all matters mariena and am unfit to have a place in their magnificent marina. Before long, finding no soil in which to grow, their anger has withered and died. But even I am surprised by the way the encounter ends. They actually apologize to me for having accosted me.

Tunisia: In a camel market
I have a small cine camera with me and start filming the Arab greeting rituals as new arrivals at the market meet up with old friends. It is beginning to dawn on me that Arab body language is even more distinct from European than I had realized. Then, through my lens, I see an extraordinary incident. Someone is getting stoned. I am not talking about drugs: this is stoning in the biblical sense.

An angry man is throwing rocks at a screaming woman. Nobody is going to her aid. She is dodging the missiles as best she can. I keep filming and become completely absorbed in recording this ancient custom. With my eye pressed firmly to the eyepiece of my camera, it is as if I were at the movies. My brain somehow refuses to believe that what is happening in front of me is real.

This is an exciting scene and, as I try to follow the action, I am thinking to myself that I am really lucky because now the young man is turning to face the camera and is going to throw his next stone right at me. What a good picture that will make -- very dramatic. I am so engrossed that I feel no danger.

Then suddenly it dawns on me that I am not, after all, sitting in a cinema, but standing in a North African camel market, and I make a hurried exit. Now I understand why it is that cameramen in war zones are sometimes killed because they refuse to stop filming when the bullets begin to fly. It's because, like me, they think they are at the movies.

Queen Elizabeth II (a cruise ship): The behavior of millionaires
There are so many millionaires on board that they do not make a good audience for the professional entertainers. The performers describe them to me as "totally unresponsive" and assume that they do not enjoy the acts. But this is not true. Watching them closely, I realize that they do indeed enjoy themselves, but they do so without fuss. They do it quietly, not feeling the need to demonstrate their pleasure simply to satisfy the performers. They have paid huge sums of money to be on this trip, so they are not surprised to be entertained -- they expect to be.

This is no comfort to the entertainers, and some cannot help expressing their feelings. An Irish comedian ends his act by saying: "Thank you for making me realize that money isn't everything."

But this is water off a duck's back and is mild compared to the way the passengers treat one another. Rich wife to rich husband, who refuses to dance: "You were full of life a few moments ago. Now you're dee-ad. You bare-stirred!" Rich woman to rich man who is complaining about waiting for a porter: "Get in line, you loudmouth. He's mine, mine!"

I am enjoying making notes on "millionaire behaviour" because it is rare to be able to see it at such close quarters. One of the first things people do with big money is to throw up a wall around themselves. But here, on board ship, they are unusually exposed and it is possible to see how, with the security of wealth, many of the anxious courtesies of life -- pleasantries the rest of us exchange every day because we share a sense of vulnerability -- are often completely missing from the repertoire of the seriously well-to-do. And humour, so much of what is born of fear, is rare in their world.

Italy: The Pope
The smiling Pope, in his traditional white robes, in indiscriminately blessing everyone in sight. He is clearly a very old man and visibly frail, but gamely continues making the sign of the cross, time after time after time. His ornate throne is carried aloft on 2 long, heavy poles that rest on the shoulders of huge Pope-bearers. These men are progressing very slowly down the aisle towards us. We are so stunned by this unexpected event that we can only stand and stare, but then Barry snaps out of it and realizes that we should be doing something to justify our presence. So, under his guidance, we advance in a little cluster, with camera and sound cables strung between us, up the aisle to meet him. Then we begin to retreat in front of him, keeping pace with his bearers, so that we can capture his triumphal progression on film.

He has nearly reached the front of the aisle when we realize that we have been backed up against the steps in front of the stage and cannot go any farther. Now his bearers are lowering his portable throne and de-poling him. To allow him to dismount, the poles have to be slid forward and laid to one side. We are dangerously close to the operation but there is nothing we can do about it. One of the poles shoots forward and goes between the cameraman's legs. He lets out a respectfully muffled scream and falls backwards onto the sound man, who, connected by cables, also collapses. Barry, Marie and I are crouching behind them to make ourselves as inconspicuous as possible and it is at this moment that the Pope, having dismounted, comes face to face with us.

At close quarters it is clear that he is so elderly that, were he not the Pontiff, he would probably be in a home for the confused. Seeing us prostrated before him, he assumes we are paying him some kind of extreme, medieval homage and, with a beaming smile, approaches us, bends over and bestows on each one of us a personal sign of the cross. All I wanted was a long-distance shot of him and here I am receiving an intimate papal blessing. As a non-believer I feel extremely uncomfortable. It has all been a horrible misunderstanding. I have not tricked my way in there and yet I feel guilty of deception. I suppose I should have left the moment I realized the truth, but like the others I have been carried along by the pomp of it all.

Japan: Visiting a zoo
We film the activities in the park and I describe my impressions for the camera. Then we take a break and wander across to the nearby Ueno Zoo.

The animals are sitting in rather bare cages looking bored. I spot a beautiful tiger lying listlessly on a concrete platform and wander over to exchange a few words with it. ... I greet the great animal in its own tongue and it nearly dies of shock. It jumps up and stares at me as though it has seen a ghost. The poor creature is housed alone and has probably not heard the "phfff-phfff-phfff-phfff" tigerine greeting in years.

It responds with a similar utterance itself and then starts rubbing its flank up and down the bars of its cage like a pussy-cat excitedly greeting its owner.

My Japanese colleagues are astonished at this interaction and I have a hard time explaining to them that it is easy to learn the language of any species if you just stop talking in your own tongue and listen to theirs. It is something that never seems to have occurred to them. Perhaps I will have started a trend.

the arm, the shrink, and today's assignment

2012-02-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

Today, my Pamela check-in started with how everything is going really well ("the arm" agreed).

I shared, among other things, a story I knew she'd like. As I left the vetrinarian's yesterday, I found myself admiring the way-of-being that one of the desk clerks showed. It was a very open, accepting, spacious, caring, tender, seeing, mindful, permissive and respectful (but not co-dependent, touchy, immature or invasive) way of being. I caught myself feeling & thinking, "I want to be more like that."

In other areas, it turns out that, today, "I" (my body) believes that there IS a future, but (like awaiting a cancer diagnosis) "I" don't trust it. Yes, life is great right now, but (like an ocean cruise) "I" expect the good times to end.

I found myself feeling that which sometimes in the past I could only identify as "jiggley." This time I was able to add that I felt embarrassed & uncomfortable. I found myself wondering if perhaps that might be the part that Pamela calls longing, yearning, or passion seeping out, and it was scared of the vulnerability of being seen. ("The arm" gave a yes to that.)

Pamela said that I had, for the most part, basically completed my trauma work and now what was next was learning how to learn how to be happy/ live in my heart.

I said that part of me thought that sounded like a pleasant issue to work on, but, on the other hand, it also sounded really... vulnerable. I wondered that being happy seemed like a vulnerability to me.

Pamela agreed that this really is scary stuff to work on... that there is a direct link between vulnerability and happiness (reminds me of the Brenee Brown videos)... and that not many people get to this place.

She then provided me with an analogy (simile, metaphor, whatever): it's like when you host a party. The housekeeper comes and does all the dirty, unpleasant work, and that makes the house clean, but before the party happens one still needs to set up: the refreshments, flowers, furniture, signage, etc. The house ISN'T READY for the party until the host does that additional work.

I found that analogy very heartening, because I find the party-prep work MUCH funner than the housekeeper type work. On the other hand, I can see how moving to a place wherein one is vulnerable all the time (and yet, in that vulnerability, paradoxically less at risk for so much of what the idea of vulnerability makes us scared of) is also a tricky type of work.

Pamela identified 2 areas that are in need of addressing: (1) trust in the future (there's no bad parent who's going to take all the good stuff away just because they catch me enjoying something), and (2) an expansion in my ability to be in the world in a heart-full way.

I correctly hypothesized that "the arm" would prioritize the increasing capacity of being heart-full.

Pamela is all about a couple of things: mind-body connection, brain function, resiliency, congruence ... but probably most of all she's into the heart.

I confess, I rolled my eyes at that the first year or two of working with her. Lately, however, as my ability to (and I don't have good language to describe it in an alternative way) be in that open, vulnerable, heart-connected way my quality of life, including most notably happiness & satisfaction, have taken a dramatic upswing. Dude, if life in Care-Bear land is that good, I'll take it. (The good news is that pastels are optional.)

Pamela suggested (and "the arm" rubber-stamped) doing Sharing The Wealth protocol with this phrase: "My heart is open, safe & happy." Before we started we took a "How true is that statement, from 1-10, with 10 as high" rating and I got 4 (which "the arm" agreed was an historic high). After doing the protocol (Breathe in at heart, up to head, down to sacrum, back to heart, breath out.) for 3 minutes my rating doubled: it was an 8. Pamela was thrilled to notice how well the statement co-incidentally worked with the chakras, as open was good for the pre-frontal as well as 7th, safe matched the 1st, and happy matched the heart.

Later, waiting at my allergist's office, post-injections, while waiting to see if I'd lapse into anaphylatic shock or not, I closed my eyes and repeated that protocol. It was extremely calming: a great meditation technique.

Pamela also suggested the protocol Deepening The Capacity For Joy to increase my heart capacity.

Amusingly, one of the little things Pamela picked up (and "the arm" agreed on, the kind of thing that never in a million years would "I" think of) was that a part of me was sad that if/when I get enough issues resolved to leave counseling that I'll miss her now that I've come to count on her. I found that humorous because it made a nice counterpoint to all the other times when Pamela picked up that something in me was angry at her.

El Capitan

2012-02-12T21:49:00.000-08:00

One of the games I got used from Cascade, when I made the celebratory splurge of purchasing 5 games at once, was El Capitan. I was really excited about this game, and kept thinking "Dave would really like it." (Well, and it looked good to me, too, or I wouldn't have selected it.)

After spending about a week painting the pieces from dull yellow, green, white, red, blue to gold, copper, silver, metallic red and metallic blue, it was finally time to play.

When Dave & I visit, we trade off whose place we visit (a pattern I instituted and we both like very much. After years of being dis-allowed to visit at his place, it has an egalitarianism I find quite satisfying.).

It was Dave's-place night and, as I do whenever I can, I arrived the better part of an hour early. This allowed me to both sneak up to far-out Vancouver before rush hour traffic hit and also to have the time to read the owner's manual.

After sushi we began play. It's generally laborious & slow the first time with a game, and this was no exception. We both really enjoyed the altered colors, although they marked up the high-gloss dining room table: apparently they need a sealant, too.

I showed great dexterity at a new skill when, around 9:00, 2/3rds through the game, I announced "I don't even care any more. It's not fun anymore. Are you having fun?"

Dave's answer being, "Not so much," we decided to pack up and go.
The game isn't bad, it's just that (similar to Carolus Magnus, although I don't think it's as hard as that) one spends most of one's time thinking about the future, and very little time DOING anything. (At least in Stone Age the play is fast and one gets to do several things EVERY turn.) It's a high strategy game.

I was also filled with non-stop angst because the game mechanics REQUIRE one to build debt which, if not paid off at the end of the round, almost doubles in size by the next round. Even in a game setting, that made me VERY anxious.

Dave pointed out how hard it was to build something, and then have it destroyed. This is not like Settlers of Catan where you build a road and someone steals the real estate upon which you were going to build, because at least your road (now a road to nowhere) is still there. In El Capitan, your warehouse can get bumped off into the middle.

(Then there's a whole strategy thing about how to put that warehouse back in play which Dave used to his advantage a lot.)
Basically, for me, the game's too hard (and slow) to be fun.

I can't tell you how disappointed I was with this outcome. I'd had such high hopes (and spent so long re-painting the pieces).

That disappointment doubled when, driving home, I realized I hadn't remembered to photograph the board before we put all the pieces away.

*sigh* This is a potential outcome of buying games before I've played.

The truth is, I'm still so attached to the idea of it being a great game that I'm torn between the idea of sending it back to Cascade Games for $15 of game credit or keeping it, in case a year or two from now I'm so much more of an experienced gamer that I grow into this game's level of challenge.

Which Would You Choose?

2012-02-11T13:22:00.000-08:00

While I was at Cinema 21 watching Pina (click that to read my review), I also nabbed a brochure for the Portland International Film Festival. Here are the 4 I'm considering (all of which I could plausibly attend):

Whore's Glory

Glawogger was awarded the Special Jury Prize at the Venice Film Festival for the 3rd part of his observational trilogy -- preceded by Megacities and Workingman's Death -- on globalization and its impact on lives around the world.

Focusing on the uncertain lives of prostitutes in Thailand, Bangladesh, and Mexico, the jury praised its "stunning visual eloquence & precision," which produces imagery whose beauty and emotional engagement almost match that of fiction cinema. We see women speaking freely about all aspects of their work, including aging and the role of religion as a form of support, as well as customers who have their say about why they visit prostitutes.

Avoiding cliches and easy judgments, Glawogger reminds us about the price of commerce: for all the money these women may have received, their lives are not rich in anything but stories. AUSTRALIA, 119 min. TRAILER

Feb 23 @ 8:15pm @ Cinema 21.

How Much Does Your Building Weigh,
Mr. Foster?

Norman Foster's vision & passion to improve quality of life through design has not only earned him the nickname the "Mozart of Modernism" but has led to some of the world's most stunning landmarks, including the Gherkin and Wembley Stadium in London, the Hearst Tower in NYC, the Beijing Airport, France's Millau Bridge, the Great Court at the British Museum, and an entire University Campus for Petronas in Malaysia.

This insightful documentary follows Foster's life from his humble beginnings in Manchester, through his collaborations with R. Buckminster Fuller, to his designs for Masdar City in Abu Dhabi, the first zero-waste, zero-carbon city in the world.

"We cannot ignore the damage that our buildings inflict on the natural environment. Designing for a sustainable future becomes a necessity, not a choice." --Norman Foster GREAT BRITIAN, 78 min. TRAILER

Feb 18 @ 6pm @ World Trade Center, or
Feb 20 @ 3pm @ Cinema 21

Somewhere Between

Somewhere Between tells the intimate stories of 4 teen-aged girls. They live in different parts of the US, in different kinds of families, and are united by 1 thing: all 4 were adopted from China, because all 4 had birth parents who could not keep them, due to personal circumstances colliding with China's "One Child Policy."

Of the roughly 80,000 girls that have been adopted from China since 1991, these strong young women allow us to grasp what it is like to come of age in today's America as trans-racial adoptees. At the same time, we see them as typical American teenagers doing what teenagers everywhere do... struggling to make sense of their lives.

Issues of identity, race, and gender are brought to life through these articulate subjects, who approach life with honesty and open hearts. USA, 94 min. TRAILER

Feb 19 @ 12noon @ World Trade Center Theater, or
Feb 22 @ 6:15pm @ Cinema 21

Free Men

The little-known stories of Muslim freedom fighters and a Paris mosque that sheltered Jews during World War II are woven into a gripping wartime espionage drama inspired by actual events.

Younes, a young, unemployed Algerian immigrant, survives Nazi-occupied France by hawking black market goods. Arrested by police, the apolitical and unaware Younes agrees to spy on the Paris Grand Mosque and its shrewd imam who is suspected of providing Jews with false identification papers while feigning cordialities with a Gestapo major.

A dangerous cat-and-mouse game ensues when Younes befriends a charismatic cabaret singer with a secret identity, prompting an awakening to the terror and injustices at play and a change of loyalties despite the extreme risks.

In a time of religious tension and valiant resistance across the Middle East, Free Men resonates as a powerful reminder of the timeless struggle for liberation. FRANCE, 99 min. TRAILER

Feb 12 @ 5pm @ Lake Twin Cinema,
Feb 14 @ 6pm @ Cinemagic, or
Feb 20 @ 2:30 @ Lloyd Mall 6

Just as I'm on a theater diet (2 a week), my goal movie attendance is 1 a week (so that I don't just go to tons of movies, thereby nullifying the gains of putting my Netflix subscription on hold). If you could attend just one, which would you choose?

My ranking of preference was one thing upon reading the reviews, but changed upon watching the trailers. In the end, though... I think I'll choose BUILDING. In the area of film, I've never before encountered an option related to architecture, whereas I have already seen movies on all the other three topics.

"There, see?," I tell myself. "I guess one can select just one."

It's hard, though.

Flute Recorder

2012-02-10T18:08:00.000-08:00

The crowd loved them, and gave them a standing ovation.. twice.

As for me, I liked it well enough, for the most part, but, to be honest, most of the recorder solos... I would have simply erased them (they just seemed like "check out how fast my fingers can fly" instead of actually adding beauty) and liked most of the work better.

The History of American Art Tile

2012-02-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

In a companion program to our exhibit “A Glaze of Glory— the Artistry of Art Tile,” guest Curator Ron Endlich will present “The History of American Art Tile” at the AHC.Ron has collected tile for nearly two decades and developed nationally recognized expertise about the origins of American tile, its artisanship, and the multitude of early manufacturers. Specializing in American decorative tile, he regularly lectures at arts shows throughout the Northwest. Ron operates Tile Antiques, based in Seattle and has been known to travel near and far to track down a special tile to add to his collection. He has worked with us over many years and provided scores of hours of expertise to coordinate the professional inventory of our own collection of historic tile.
Program attendees are welcome to bring in any of your own tile, for Ron’s review and answers to your questions, to share with the entire group. Architectural Heritage Center, 701 SE Grand, $10 /members, Sat Feb 11.
This history of tile dates back to the beginnings of human civilization, when Egyptians decorated their houses with blue glazed brick. By the 12th century, decorative tiles were being produced in England, Spain & Italy and used for large scale architectural decoration. The Dutch tile industry was well established by the 15th century and England & the Netherlands were exporting tile for residential use.Tile making fell from fashion during the 18th century but the Gothic Revival movement triggered an artistically exuberant resurgence in interest during the 19th century. Tile manufacturing methods needed to be virtually re-created, but by 1900 more than 100 English tile companies raced to keep up with the explosive demand. Tile was "durable," "hygienic," and "beautiful" and Victorian-era England couldn't get enough of it.Other countries, including the US, began producing their own particular tastes of domestic art tile. Companies from MA to CA pursued Victorian-era and then Arts & Crafts designs, all with color and ornamental designs of seemingly infinite themes and motifs -- including Japanese and Classical subjects.Sophisticated innovations in style, color, design, and production techniques continued until the Great Depression opened in 1929. The challenged economy and changing tastes again saw a downfall of art tile from fashion.
But beginning in the late 20th century, art tile is indeed back -- and it enjoys a continuing interest in what is again appreciated as ... practical and decorative purposes.

--AHC newsletter

Circle Mirror Transformation by Annie Baker

2012-02-08T08:58:00.000-08:00

Can a drama class change lives forever?

In this funny, curiously potent play, five people enroll in an adult creative drama class at a small-town community center. Over the course of six weeks they are led through theater games and exercises into murky and dangerous psychological waters. By the end of the class, layers of emotional baggage are stripped off to reveal how truth and change can possibly “set the body and spirit free.” A Portland premiere, critically acclaimed playwright Annie Baker’s Circle Mirror Transformation won the 2009 Obie Award for Best New American Play and garnered accolades Off Broadway and beyond.

adventures in banking

2012-02-07T08:58:00.000-08:00

Part of my delay in re-allocating the proceeds from my building sale is that, by nature of its size, it calls for a massive organization, and perhaps even a re-organization, of my liquid assets (ie, everything that's NOT real estate).

Imagine for a moment you have a vague idea that you'd like to buy a car, but don't know anything about car ownership. It's hard to choose until you know about the numbers (Prius costs $25k with few repairs, Jaguar costs $80k with frequent, expensive repairs).

Figuring out where to start... for me, I'm good at organization, but figuring out HOW to structure & organize the data, where to start... that can take a little time.

Yesterday I spent about an hour on the phone with 12 different banking institutions (a combination of what was close + credit unions with lax membership criterion) to get rates on 1 - 5 yr. CDs and Money Market accounts.

Then I pondered all the data.

I compared the interest rates to what I'm currently getting at my bank. The numbers were so off that I called to verify I was reading it correctly. They said I was, and offered to bump up my interest rate. I accepted, but really it would've been nice if someone in my local branch, upon doing all the miscellaneous things (opening & closing similar accounts) had mentioned, "Gee, Jayne, I see your accounts are all still getting 0.07% interest, and market rate has increased since then, so let's bump you up to 0.25% interest, our current going rate" without me having to bring it up first. *eye roll*

It reminds me of how & why I chose the accounts & structure that I'm in, and it's quite obvious to me that I really am in QUITE a different situation than I was 5 years ago when I moved here, and a re-structuring definitely IS called for.

Pondering the interest rate differentials amongst the 1-5 yr. CDs, I decided that 1 year was the sweet spot. Interest rates are at historic lows, so that means one can anticipate they are very likely to increase. One doesn't want to lock their money into historic low rates for long.

I also saw that one bank -- M Bank --- was offering rates twice as high as everyone else: 1% for a 1 yr. CD and 0.55% for a high balance Money Market.

Sitting, thinking, playing, penciling, erasing, sitting, pondering. I came up with a scheme, and it was beautiful.

My original plan was to keep the $ earmarked for capital gains tax on my "troubled" property in a Money Market account, sending to the IRS equal 1/4ths of the balance each quarter. My CPA said this was a conservative plan which would bypass any possible penalties which might arise if I, instead, paid it 100% in the 4th quarter. (In this very low interest rate environment of ours, I assume the government's penalties would far exceed any bank interest I could earn on it, if I held it in a safe, FDIC -covered investment.)

A new idea occurred to me. What if I paid 50% of that tax in quarter 1, held 50% of it in an 11 month CD, and then paid the second 50% in the 4th quarter?

I checked the dates. I could open the account... if I made sure it opened & funded that very morning, Fri Feb 10... I would have 5 days from CD renewal time close the CD and transfer funds to a Money Market account, from which I could write a check to pay the taxes.

Excellent!

A while later, though, I found myself pondering so many of the con artist movie plots regarding banks and finances. Was this M Bank legitimate? Were they truly accredited, or just saying they were? I'd never heard of them before I saw their logo on a building recently in my neighborhood.

I decided to do a little internet research. Ha! That's where I learned that, yes, they are real: a Gresham-based bank with about 5 branches... that has been in trouble with the FDIC for years! Now, they only opened in 1995 but they already have year after year of FDIC warnings for bad loans, and to increase their cash balances.

OK, well, lots of banks have that problem. Is it serious? If they go under, does FDIC pay quickly?

I learned that while FDIC probably would pay quickly, if they took over the bank, I could also imagine a bank, not yet taken over, making it difficult for a client to get their money back.

I saw that M Bank already received... a year ago... a $30mil. cash infusion, but that didn't save them.

Then I looked up their stock. Their stock price... OMG... is 5 cents a share.

Their 52 week high is 95 cents a share, their current share price is 5 cents a share, and their all time high, ever, was about $10 a share.

I imagined asking my broker for his opinion. I remembered how I fought him to buy Genentech, a biotech stock which was under $5/share. I imagined him outright refusing to purchase it for me.

If the company's so weak I shouldn't buy their stock, should I hand over a lump of cash? The issue converts from return ON investment to return OF investment.

I decided against it. This is my "safe" money; there are other places I'm taking risks (and at greater payoffs than 1/2 %). What's the point of researching if, upon discovery of egregious badness, I continue on the intended course anyway? Isn't that what I did wrong so often before? Isn't learning how to change course & abandon ship, even if sometimes too quickly, EXACTLY what I need to learn?

Rather than, in a flurry of rush-ed-ness, re-calculating my next plan, I decided to (a) not do the M Bank thing, (b) let it rest for a while, (c) knowing that, sometime later, I will re-approach the topic.

In the end, I consider this to be a resounding success story. One might say it was a waste of time because I took no action, but from my point of view I'm richer for the experience.
______________
The day after: It hurts to find a plan, that seems so great, and then let it go. My head is ruling me (I'm not doing it) but my heart is sad (about it not working out).

Oregon Humane Society volunteer

2012-02-06T00:09:00.000-08:00

In part due to the strength of my commitment to keep Spot the sole furry pet of the house until the end of her time with me, I have (finally!) felt safe enough (from my own pet-hoarding impulses) to contribute to the world (and comfort myself through copious furry-animal contact) by becoming a volunteer at the Oregon Humane Society.

I haven't been to the shelter since I adopted Spot about 12 years ago. Since then they've received millions of dollars and engaged in MASSIVE remodeling.

Approaching the facility, I was stunned. With three huge pillars, tall flags flapping in the wind, a digital reader board advertising $12 adult cat adoptions, and enormous images of cute cats & dogs, it felt more like entering a regional outlet mall than my local pound.

The next thing I knew, I saw a big "OHS special event" sign, a safety-vest wearing person waving traffic into the side section parking, and another walking each car to its appointed slot.

I was stunned -- in a good way -- at the size & efficiency of the organization. It was a sense that would only increase as the day progressed.

The two presenters -- in a room filled with 80 new recruits, 11 volunteer/staff, 2 wandering dogs, and 8 boxes of donuts -- gave an interesting, informative, and well thought out presentation about all aspects of the OHS... staff/volunteer ratio (100 to 1,400), adoption rate (96%, compared with 55% industry standard), structure (dogs, cats, small animals), procedures (recruits need background checks, photo id, mentoring, & a couple educational classes before becoming a volunteer), and future options.

Before our lunch break we split up into 8 different tour groups and I'm still not over how impressed I am that (my group, at least) didn't shadow or crowd into any other group. Do you realize what that means? Someone sat down with a map of the facility and plotted 8 different tour group paths, and instructed each tour guide in theirs, so that we could experience small, cohesive, quiet tours. *eye roll of pleasure* Now, that's the kind of organization I want to work for!

Volunteers are instructed to choose one place to start ("go with your passion"). In January's volunteer training, about 2/3 chose dogs, 1/3 cats, and a few small animals. That number split works out ideally, as dogs require far & away the most hours of care (ex: every dog is walked or run twice a day), and have the most rigidly defined types of workers.

I went to the training in hopes that the scheduling thing could somehow be worked out. What I didn't know then was that the OHS volunteer hour sign up system is PERFECT for someone in my situation. Rather than set shifts with a specific number of volunteers, one simply signs up whenever one wants to. Now, dog walkers/runners are usually on teams, and so they need more specific commitment, but most other jobs don't require "Mon 7-9am" type of rigidity.

If all continues according to plan, I should be a qualified, apron-wearing volunteer sometime next week.

How The Brain Forms New habits: Why Willpower Is Not Enough

2012-02-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

My masseuse, knowing my interest in self help & brain function, introduced me to the Institute for Brain Potential, a company that offers seminars for health professionals.

I attended my first IBP seminar this week, and based on the experience, consider myself VERY likely to attend another in future.

I was surprised at how large the gathering was: I'd expected about 30; the room held about 400. The large size, lack of tables, and minimal refreshments must've all been part of the low low price: a mere $80 for 6 CEU credit hours.

Toastmasters has certainly made me a more able assessor of presentation style, and I have to say that, apart from a few "Uhs," he did great. His Powerpoint presentations were very well organized, had not-too-much information on each, everyone received a handout with all those slides' information so all that was left was for us to listen & write notes on the extra stuff, he didn't read right off the slides, he had an engaging style, his stories were personable & funny, he used repetition with key concepts, he offered detail (but not too much), and his topic was fascinating. That's pretty good for 6 hours of speech.

Part of me really wants to make a scholastic project out of explaining the important points of the workshop here, but instead I'll suffer the pain of letting the "perfection" go, and, therefore, the workload burden, as well.

I am so glad I went: I got 10x more out of it than I had expected.

click image to enlarge

speaking one's truth

2012-02-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

Even though I know that SDAs & I would disagree on many bullet points of what is/ not "truth," I still found a sense of approval & warmth filling my heart when I saw this sign:

SuperBach Sunday

2012-02-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

The mission of the Bach Cantata Choir is to sing the entire set of sacred cantatas by Johann Sebastian Bach over 30 years. Rehearsals are on Sunday afternoons 1:30 - 3:30pm. The choir anticipates performing 4 cantata concerts per year: 1 or 2 cantatas per concert -- and performing The Christmas Oratorio over a 2 year cycle.

Cantatas are chosen to closely match the liturgical time of the year for which Bach wrote them. Concerts are scheduled for Sunday afternoons at 2pm. Singers come from many different choirs in the Portland area. The common denominator is a love for Bach & prior experience singing Bach in German with another choir. Singers interested in joining the choir should contact the artistic director at info at bach cantada choir dot org for an audition.

The music was OK. I don't mean by that to imply that it was less than great, but rather that I'm still not familiar with music enough yet to select in that which is of a style that I personally find the most rewarding yet, nor to select out that which I don't.

What I actually enjoyed the most was watching Ralph Nelson, the conductor. He gave a pretty good (but not too lengthy) educational speech between pieces, so that we could understand what the music was meant to symbolize. Even more than that, though, I loved watching HOW he conducted the orchestra with his WHOLE BODY. It was totally cool, and I though, "I like him," just based on that!

Next two performances:
Sun, Mar 18 @ 2
Sun, May 20 @ 2
inside church at 1907 NE 45 Ave
$5 suggested donation

Stone Age

2012-02-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

Following the advice of Pamela, upon learning that my "troubled" building had sold, I celebrated. I didn't plan it ahead of time, but rather allowed myself to give in to impulse while at a game shop.

I purchased 5 games: 2 I'd played before, and 3 unknowns (but were from the used section).

A game shop employee, seeing my tall stack of "to be looked at more closely" games, strongly recommended Stone Age. He said it had great game dynamics and was popular amongst gamers. I figured that my tastes are typical enough that "popular amongst board gamers" would probably equate to something I'd like, and decided to put it in the "purchase" pile (even though, upon original glance, I'd decided against it since it looked a lot like Settlers of Catan, which I already own).

Dave and I played it and liked it... quite a lot.

It is like Settlers in that one acquires raw materials (gold, ore, wood, & clay), resources are needed to buy/make things, there are wooden pieces, several things weigh & balance each other out, and there are multiple ways to win.

It's unlike Settlers in that each player has (what I've come to call) a control panel (I seem to like games with control panels), people (and a way to get more), dice (and a cup to roll them in that the employee thought was the coolest thing ever), and a scoring track that edges the board (another game element common in ones I tend to like). I think it's harder, strategy wise, than Settlers which for me, at this point, is a plus.

One has (markers) people who, in turn, claim various spots on the board. Two outside a hut adds one person to the hoard (but people have to be fed at the end of every turn). One in the field earns an ongoing "food stamp." One at the forge earns an ongoing tool (each tool can = another pip on the die... but only once per turn). One on a bonus card (bottom right) can lead to its purchase (with immediate &/or long term benefits), one on a hut (bottom left) can lead to its purchase (with immediate &/or long term benefits).

The price of purchase is typically resources (wood, clay, ore, gold): the more men at a resource, the more dice that are rolled. Each resource costs differently: 5 men = 5 die, which if a 20 were rolled would earn 10 wood (divided by 2, so 20/2=10) but only 3 gold (divided by 6, so 20/6=18), but if you have tools you can use them to increase your dice pips.

Plan the chronology of your turn with care: for example, pick up tools before rolling for resources, but roll for resources before buying bonus cards... usually, that is. Don't forget that each person has to be fed at the end of each turn, or penalties ensue! During play and at game's end, there are many ways to gain victory points.

I've noticed that I win a disproportionate amount of the time the first time I play a new game. It happened again here: the lid under red is to indicate that I'm on my 2nd lap around the board.

Dave wanted to buy it after we'd played, but he felt the same about Lost Cities & Carolus Magnus, so I can't help but think it was more a symptom of board-game deprivation. His history (Magic The Gathering, World of Warcraft, chess) is to fall in love with FAR more complicated games than those I expose him to, so lack of competition in the genre seems to me the more likely explanation.

It's pretty easy to play, and I believe will be easy to teach, which makes it a good candidate for the board game groups I'm exposed to most. On the other hand, it has some strategy, which makes it intriguing for repetition: trying out different strategies while deciding which is preferred.

Counter-intuitively, it's the search for complete understanding that's the fun part: once I feel like I've "figured a game out" it feels simple and no longer particularly engaging. I think that's what happened to me with Settlers.

Stained Glass of the Povey Brothers

2012-02-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

The Povey Brothers Beveled and Stained Glass Window Studio operated in Portland from 1888 to 1926. Today, beautiful windows are scattered throughout the city and state, adding wonderful flourishes to both homes and churches. The Povey name is recognized for design excellence and quality craftsmanship and their work was a major influence on Jerry Bosco and Ben Milligan. Have you seen what you think might be a Povey window? Or perhaps you already own one? Either way, don’t miss this opportunity to learn more about Portland’s preeminent makers of stained glass.

Presenter David Schlicker has operated a stained glass studio in Portland since 1975 and has repaired and restored many Povey windows. As David shares his collection of slides documenting the Povey’s contribution to our history, he’ll also shed light on the specific characteristics and design elements that will help you identify potential Povey Brothers pieces. Architectural Heritage Center, Sat Jan 4 @ 10am, $10 members.

It was magnificent! The presenter offered lots of fascinating tidbits (but not too lengthy, detailed or boring) about how various types of glass are created, colored, formed, and fitted together, with lots of passed-around samples, perhaps 60 color slides, as well as interesting stories.

health insurance

2012-01-30T21:41:00.000-08:00

Other than paying off my house mortgage, which was always Plan A, I haven't re-distributed any of the wad of cash from selling off my "troubled" property... in part because I wanted an exact number from my CPA about how much to set aside for taxes (and how it should be paid: quarterly, or all at the beginning, or all at the end).

My CPA tends to be a chatty guy (which, contrary to my own ramblings via my blog, sometimes bugs me... but it didn't this time) and after we'd dispensed with my 1 item of business and his 3 additional, I shared that the next item on my plate was deciding what to do with the wad, since sitting around in a zero interest checking account wasn't going to cut it for too much longer.

We chatted more, and I repeated that I couldn't imagine ever spending it all (I'm blessed with modest taste... even my favorite restaurants are like $15 a meal) short of (like almost all Americans fear) a major medical incident, like cancer, paraplegia, brain tumor, etc.

It was just time for me to go, and I could tell he was very emotional (something I'd never seen before) and yet controlling it well... you know, when you want to hit someone else over the head with something, but you restrain yourself and make a gentle suggestion, but the other person can see the struggle? ... he mentioned that his wife had been diagnosed with lukemia last autumn and that health insurance was a really important thing, something I should really consider getting.

I'd forgotten all about that. I always think, "I'll sign up once I'm 184 pounds, because then I won't have to lie to be in the overweight (instead of obese) category, which makes a big difference on premiums and their willingness to insure."

It was a great message at a great time. That very night, I (with virtually no research at all) poked through an internet insurance broker.

I wanted a high deductible program... something (like my CPA suggested, and I had previously considered) with like a $10k deductible. A disaster plan.

I found two options, both with Blue Cross, Blue Shield (now called also Regency). I tend to think well of BCBS because my dad had it and it gave him a free ride, no problem, when he had his incident that shortly thereafter led to his death.

One plan had a $10k deductible, but thereafter one had a 30% co-pay on everything. *snort of disgust* Let me tell you, if I've already paid $10k .... not for pap smears, head shrinking, allergy shots, allergy drugs, penicillin, massage, but in the important stuff that counts enough to claim it towards my insurance deductible... I sure as f**k don't want to continue paying 30% thereafter. That plan was either $109 or $200/mo (I forget which).

Another plan had a $5k deductible, but was a free ride after that was met. Like the first it also (as I understand it... insurers are tricky f**kers, so you never know for sure until AFTERwords) required no primary care physician (like I want to wait for weeks to see an approved doctor and beg for approval to see a specialist... hell no), had no lifetime maximum, and a few other things like that which looked good. That plan was about $300/mo.

Now, I tend to be cheap so I whipped out the calculator. $300 x 12 mos = $3,600/yr (this year... we won't be naive enough to assume the premiums will stay the same price on & on). Let's call that $4k. Is $4k/ yr a good price to insure against devastation by car accident, brain tumor, or cancer from years of hydrogenated oils? HELL YES.

The internet site said "results in an hour" (I filled it out at 11pm, so I was dubious about that) but in actuality it took 2 weeks to get my answer back. It just came in a minute ago: my application was approved.

The internet application said the plan would kick in Feb 15, but the email said it'd start Mar 1. I hate waiting periods before insurance plans kick in... I've got just enough hypochondriac + O.C.D. in me to find them pessimistically nerve-wracking.

There's a little more to the story, but that's not for blog posts. If you ever want to set me off on a long, verbal soap box, though, do feel free to ask... iffin' you have a spare 25 minutes on your hands.

Pina in 3D

2012-01-29T08:51:00.000-08:00

I am thrilled that I'm going to see this movie at Cinema 21. As you would expect from a Cinema 21 movie, it's.... very... artistic.

See the trailer HERE.
__________________
AFTERWORDS: While I'm glad I saw it, the trailer + anticipation, and the chatting with co-attendees before hand, were the best parts.

The dance wasn't really my style. I still don't have a vocabulary with which to describe these things, but it isn't pretty/ soothing/ beautiful/ heart soaring kind of dance. In fact, some of it felt quite anxious, awkward, trapped, ill-at-ease, non-consensual or despairing. While I suppose that type of human experience needs artistic expression, as well, personally I have enough of my own to not prefer to bring extra into my life via art.

Or, even more accurately, when I do bring it into my life, I prefer it to be via movies, plays & literature: more verbal styles. Those I know how to process. When it comes to simply image &/or movement, it's too... not verbal for me to know what to do with it.

3D isn't really my thing, despite its wow value. Seeing this movie reminded me of why.

My eyes have difficulty adjusting. Any quick movements come out looking jerky to me, like stop-motion with not nearly enough frames per minutes, but (unlike a slide show of photography) too quick to process.

The 3D water, on the other hand, especially the rain, was awesome.

In the end, I'm glad I went, but primarily due to novelty points and fellowship with other people rather than for the dance itself. The 1 3/4 minute trailer was ultimately more pleasurable than the 1 3/4 hour movie.

Lear's Follies by C.S. Whitcomb

2012-01-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

A note from the playwright: Why THIS Lear? When Michael Mendelson asked me to write a new version of Shakespeare's masterpiece, I accepted without hesitation. The story of an old man who has had power & prestige, who has ruled his world and after retiring, loses everything, seemed like a natural story for today.

There has never been a time in American history when more people were reaching the age of retirement, worrying about aging, health issues & feeling disenfranchised. Lear's story is not just relevant, it's personal. Add to that an Alzheimer's epidemic and people's children shunting them off into adult care facilities and Lear's story is every boomer's nightmare. Luckily we can learn from his fatal mistakes. And as a kind friend pointed out to me, only 1 version of Shakespeare's 37 plays was not adapted from another earlier version.

I chose to set the story during the last great depression because it resonated with me. I became enamored with the idea of The Fool being an aging vaudevillian. And I loved the idea of Lear as a man whose life span included being a young soldier in the Civil War, coming into power at the turn of the 20th century during the height of the industrial revolution and then living long enough to lose everything at the time of the stock market crash in 1929.

I needed to find an empire for "King" that was American yet still had power, scope and was something that could be handed down from father to sons. So I created a tobacco empire in Virginia. It felt like there was something poetic about an empire that could literally go up in smoke. Plus I needed a storm and what better than a hurricane? Shakespeare even coined the word "hurricane" in the great storm speech in King Lear.

I changed the 2 older daughters, Regan and Goneril, to sons. In Shakespeare's world the most powerful person on earth was a woman. Elizabeth had her cousin, Mary Queen of Scots, put to death to secure her throne. Regan and Goneril sprang from that world view. America has never had women with that kind of power. We have founding fathers. Male presidents. In 1929 women hadn't even had the vote for a decade. I hope women and particularly actresses will forgive me (a woman playwright) for changing two daughters to sons.

For many people Lear is one of the more difficult of Shakespeare's plays to understand. Having watched many version in preparing to create this one, I know how complex and somewhat confusing it can seem. Hopefully our version will be more accessible and bring people to appreciate a classic who may not have before. I never thought there would be this much joy in writing tragedy. I hope you enjoy the play as well. --C.S. Whitcomb

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I've never seen the original King Lear but I'm sure when I do my comprehension will increase a thousand fold, due to having seen this adaptation first. I liked it for its own sake: very much. It was frightening, it was real, it was accessible, it was relevant.

I saw the reading. You can see the fully produced play by Portland Shakespeare Project from July 13 - Aug 10 at Artist's Repertory Theater, 1515 SW Morrison.

today, I rock!

2012-01-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

I have new skills which I am using. These new abilities, put into practice, bode well for future relationships.

I met someone I liked at a Toastmasters meeting. I schemed how & when to invite her to an event outside the group. In TM we learn about each other's lives (primarily via the 2 minute impromptu speeches... you're allowed to make stuff up, but most people speak their real point of view and of their actual lives) and so I already knew that she was married, a church-goer and a former (brief) member of a "family & friends" type of 12 step program.

My first plan was to invite her to a special Toastmasters event, like a big contest, convention speaker, or the like. One finally came, but it just didn't seem "in the flow" to me to attend, so I didn't try to force it.

I sat with it. I pondered. I notice how difficult -- how stiff, formal, and awkward it feels for me -- to graduate from a fellow-group-member acquaintanceship to an one-on-one, outside-the-group meeting friend. Certainly my introversion plays a part here, as does the "anxious attachment" style.

12 Step plays a part, as well. There, I learned to meet as sponsor, as sponsee, or as fellow 12 Stepper... none of which applied here. I don't want a mentor, I don't want to be a mentee, and I'm not looking for mutual TM support, so I wasn't going to pretend that was the case. In 12 Step, unless I was flirting (which was actually a very rare thing for me there: only a few times in gay AA meetings -- averaging perhaps 1 in every 500 meetings, aka about once every 5 years) I just didn't ever learn, or need to learn, any other way to go about it.

I needed to suck up my courage and make a go at it.

So I emailed her with "I'm in the market for a new friend, and it seems to me that you're a great candidate. Would you like to get together outside the meeting?"

Ugh. What ensued was a string of 6 email volleys, over 6 weeks, in which no date was set & agreed upon, in which what I received from her was action which looked to me like "no" and then a too-late response that sounded like "yes." It had a very familiar ring.

So I decided I'd back out. But then she actually said yes to 2 dates (but didn't pick one). So I picked one of the two and promptly emailed it back to her. Five days later, still no response.

The strength of my discomfort & distrust came to me during a chat with Dave. I realized that the last time I had offered a specific date she'd indicated might be good, I didn't hear back until the day AFTER the event to say, "Sorry, let's try again." (I've learned to read that as actions say "no," words say "yes.")

So I sent her an email saying "it doesn't seem to be working out" and un-scheduling. Exactly what I predicted was what happened next... she (hooked into the thing, despite her inaction) said, "No, wait, I meant yes... but [insert reasons for not acting "yes"].

Now, there's a reason I wanted to schedule with her... but, (this is new) I also have more data than I had in the beginning and (this is new) it would be detrimental to myself to not factor that in, too. My previous experience says that when something feels like a battle, out of the flow, like a struggle from the get-go, (not once that I can ever remember, except for quitting drugs or cigarettes, but never with relationships) it has never worked out well for me to continue to try to "make it happen."

I declined to re-engage in an effort to pursue one-on-one relationship, while stating my continued willingness for group-oriented interactions.

This may or may not be the pinnacle of social skill, but, let me tell you, it represents an AMAZING ability on my part... (a) to LET GO of a course I started, especially in the area in which I get most strongly attached, which is a potential one-on-one relationship (be it friend or partner), (b) to notice, before significant anguish happens, when words ≠ actions, and (c) to interpret that as a reason to dis-engage (rather than to dig in & try harder).

I'm proud of myself. This is exactly the kind of thing CoDA, Al-Anon, S-Anon, and all the other "friends & family" programs and related literature attempted to instill. I can't explain why, but I believe that, at this stage of the game, for me, being OUTSIDE of 12 Step is part of what made this possible (but only due to my decades of diligent 12 Step work beforehand). (Duh) and Pamela, of course.

Yay, me!

It also helps me appreciate those instances when we can simply, as TA puts it, "get on with it," which means when accepting or declining an invitation remains a simple exchange (rather than a massive production).

Another way to put it is that this is a standard for me. If someone can't simply decide yes or no, if someone can't simply schedule it or pass on it, they're probably not going to work out having the skill set, personality type, or whatever to be in my life, as friend or as partner. My new ability is to see & accept that, rather than to anguish and struggle with it, trying to overcome (through massive over-contributions and wrangling on my part) that which they do not (whether through choice or inability) bring to the table. Some might call it knowing where to draw the line, or having standards: I just know it's different, and it's good.

Free

2012-01-26T12:30:00.000-08:00

I've managed to bump my performances down to 2 a week. Let's see if I can keep it up.

Meanwhile, however, I have extra tickets to shows I paid for but won't be attending.

I am offering them on here for free. If you'd like my unused ticket(s), pick which one(s) you want and give me a snail mail address in a comment... I don't even need your last name. I will delete your address from the comments as soon as I pick it up, which should be less than a day.

Don't want to go alone? Easy. Check website to make sure event's not sold out yet (= pretend to buy a ticket, but don't complete the transaction). Post your address to get my ticket free. Buy your own ticket. Presto: half price date.

(1) Fri Feb 3 @ 7:30pm at "for lease" bldg at NE 18 & Sandy: Big Plastic Heroes (2 funny men tell stories about boyhood and their love of Rambo/ Evil Knievel). I paid $18.
http://bigplasticheroes.eventbrite.com/

(2) Tue Feb 14 @ 8pm at Alberta Rose Theater at NE 30 & Alberta. Kiss & Tell, a storytelling event by Portland Story Theater. (Ticket says $15 but I thought I paid $23.)
http://www.portlandstorytheater.com/valentines/kissandtell.htm

Stories: From Survivors of the Sex Trade

2012-01-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

I was thrilled to find & attend this performance. Three women read their own writings on the topic of their experiences (&/or research) about the sex trade. One was a junkie prostitute in San Francisco for 6 years, one was forced into prostitution by a gang in Portland, and the other... I had a hard time picking out exactly what her story was but there were numerous incidents of rape, including as a child.

I hadn't known that Portland was the #2 city for human trafficking. A big segment of that is young Asian women who are indentured for the price of their transit to work in nail salons during the day and "massage" parlors at night.

Research says that 80% of human trafficking is for sex; 20% for labor.

It wasn't cheerful, but I'm glad I went. Thank you, Lunacy Stageworks, for again giving voice to an unheard segment of the population.

click image to increase size

project rebalance: week 1

2012-01-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

Week 1:
Goal: (a) Drop Netflix. (b) Reduce theater. (c)Ponder purpose, method & upcoming changes.

Result:
(a) CHECK. I finished off the in-hand Netflix discs. I returned them all. I sent back parts 2 & 3 of (that 1970s tv mini-series) ROOTS unwatched, because I knew it'd be easier.

(b) CHECK. I dropped several shows (even though I'd already paid). I announced it. I continue to waver between 2 and 3 shows per week, and hypothesize 2-3 is the best, most realistic goal.

(c) CHECK. This idea of weekly increments moving towards the goal seems better than trying to complete a 180 all at once... both less painful and more mindful.

Week 2:
Goal: (a) Maintain progress. (b) Add in one new thing, twice. (c) Continue to ponder purpose, method, & upcoming changes.

Groovin' Greenhouse

2012-01-23T09:23:00.000-08:00

In the end, there were 4 performance companies. The pin-up-girl bit by DCO (which included pink panties with rows of fluffy lace sewn on the outside) in the middle wasn't my thing, and I liked much of what NW Fusion did in the beginning but, hands down, Polaris' number... the music, the moves, the choreography... was my favorite. We need more dance like THAT in the world!

I like that

2012-01-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

A friend used this phrase during a conversation:

"openly & happily gay"

I think I might see if there's somewhere I could utilize that phrase.

attempts to re-balance.... yet again!

2012-01-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

excerpt from a letter

Last weekend I found myself remembering a brief season in my life where I felt spacious, whole, complete, in touch with the spiritual grand scale & all the mundane day-to-day details... all at the same time. It was surprising how NOT intense it was. Rather, it was a subtle, peaceful, spacious, calm, mild, pleasant contentment that easily lent itself to a truly foreign experience: happiness... even (or, perhaps, especially?) due to no exterior reason at all.

I was remembering all that, how I wanted it back, and what elements were/ not in my life at that time.

That led to a list of what was in my life, what elements used to be in my life, and notes of what needed to increase, to decrease, or to stay the same.

Glaringly obvious was that 2 categories needed a massive reduction: Netflix DVDs and theater performances.

I eventually came up with a mini chart for how much of each item was the (1st draft) goal amount, but that may or may not (don't know yet) ever be the way to manage it. What I do know is that, right now, the next indicated step is to create the pain of reducing DVDs and theater attendance.

Did I mention it's painful?

However, there is no room for even better stuff (like variety & down time) while I continue to be over busy in those areas. I don't have good language to describe this, but the idea is that I'm holding on one hand the big picture (a visceral memory of that contented time) and what it takes to get there (of which creating some empty spots is just a beginning) and on the other hand the necessity to endure the pain of "kicking" that which fills up so much space in my life.

This is a method which is in sharp contrast to (what S programs call "acting in" and -Anon programs call "manage & control") that hyper, rigid, over-controlling taskmaster trying to force... to fully impose/ coerce a change on the rest of me (aka my old M.O.).

________________
AFTERWORDS:
I decided to try to tackle the DVDs first. Pondering the several times I've had to reduce my viewership, I remembered that coming from the over-attached place it can become even MORE difficult to do some than it is to do none with Netflix, given that another goal is to not live or die by whether or not I received a Netflix in the mail. I decided to suspend my subscription for a month. I can watch what I own, I can watch in theaters with my movie social group, but I'll step aside from Netflix. Think of it as ripping the Band-Aid off. That alone will create a huge gap of free time.

Concurrently, I'm eyeballing my pre-paid theater performances with an eye towards what to chop out (tonight I skipped out of tEEth, a White Bird dance production) to reduce it to 3 shows a week. After I run through the events I've already pre-paid (up to the 3rd week of Feb) I hope to tackle the EXTREME PAIN of limiting my shows to 2-3 a week. I'd like to say 2 a week, but I don't know if that's realistic, so 2-3 it is.

I really want better for myself than I've been having, and that won't happen without the pain of creating change. Once new habits are in place they won't be (very) painful to maintain anymore... and then, eventually, better results are likely to come. I want that.

Frenetically keeping myself busy all the time... even without desserts... isn't the worst way to live a life, but I think I can do -- and get -- better.

Mitch Charter School

2012-01-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

If you are new to MITCH, you might find yourself asking, "What is MITCH and what is a charter school?" M.I.T.C.H. stands for Multi-sensory Instruction Teaching Children Hands-on, and a charter school is a public school that has chosen a unique curriculum other than what is currently in use by the school district. It is a publicly funded school so the students and their families do not pay tuition. M.I.T.C.H. is a separate 501 (c) 3 nonprofit school approved by the Tigard/Tualatin School Districts. (The 501(c )3 is used to designate a non-religious and non-political school.)

MITCH was founded on a passion for academic excellence. Before settling on an approach, we looked at the top-rated schools academically nationwide to figure out what made them so successful. Determining that schools with an agricultural emphasis were extremely successful, we combined the agricultural focus with the most successful academic curriculum available. We started with a strong "hands on" approach and continue with that model today.

Is it working? Academically, we consistently score in the top rankings of standardized tests. It is not uncommon to hear from a parent that a stranger commented on their child’s manners and confidence. Discipline is not an issue and cliques do not exist.

A friend of mine has 2 kids in MITCH charter school, and I'm sure this will bode well for them. After watching 2 Netflix documentaries on the topic of American public schools, I determined to contribute. Now that my "troubled" building has sold, it's time to re-start the Charity of the Month program... starting with MITCH.

How to contribute:
call (503) 639-5757, credit card in hand
or mail check to: 19550 SW 90 Court, Tualatin, OR 97062

Nice People Dancing to Good Country Music by Lee Blessing

2012-01-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

In this sharply comic, romantic and affecting play, Blessing explores the heartaches and curious – and often unfortunate – eccentricities of Eve and her niece Catherine, two women who live over a country music bar in Houston, Texas. Jan 22-23, Profile Theater, 3430 SE Belmont, suggested $10.

"A Harley stands erect on its own 2 wheels -- not like this [beat up truck] mechanical puddle."

"The last time I asked a girl to marry me she said, "Yes, Ray."

"some shitkicker I met in an airport"

"a professor of Latvian"

"J-Bob? That's what you're calling [Jason] now?"

"You're comin' on to the bride of Christ [a nun]."

"Four billion people all talkin' like Gomer Pile."

"I don't care if Houston is stupid: it's growin' like a damn fungus."

going purple

2012-01-18T22:25:00.000-08:00

I've been off desserts for a few weeks again, and I've been very happy with that. That is not to imply that I've become stellar at figuring out when I'm not hungry, and then not eating, however. That second thing... it comes & goes. Mostly goes.

On the other hand, my taste palate has shifted dramatically when it comes to things sweet. I haven't avoided-like-the-plague, but I have tended to veer-away-from fruit juices, as they contain a MASSIVE quantity of sugar without any protein or fiber to help mitigate the blood sugar punch. This goes also for what I tend to think of as the creme de la creme of juice drinks: green slime (aka Odwalla Superfood).

In my grocer's case recently, however, I found what seemed a good intermediary between nice flavor and drinkable nutrition: Naked Berry Veggie.

One 15 oz. bottle contains 1.5 purple carrots, .33 red beets, .125 sweet potatoes, 91 kernels of sweet corn, 18 chick peas, 15 sweet cherries, 6.5 strawberries, .25 plums, .20 apples & a hint of lemon. Each serving (half a bottle) contains 130 calories: 18g sugar, 5g protein, and 5g fiber.

It's become my new favorite drink.

A Year of Sundays, by Edward Webster

2012-01-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

If you have a passion for love stories past the blush of youth, this is a reality tale you don't want to miss. Ed Webster & his wife of 28 years take their 16 yr. old cat on the sort of Grand Tour many people wish they could take but never get around to. The fact that Ed's wife, Marguerite, is blind adds unexpected layers to their relationship & their travel experience.

You will be submerged in medieval villages, meet the local grocer in Tuscany, and accompany Ed & Marguerite as they sample grilled octopus on the island of Syros. Museum docents & shopkeepers fall for Marguerite and entice her to touch & experience everything. Hikers marvel at this blind woman who treks with Ed along precipitous trails of Cinque Terre, Italy. Waiters smile discreetly as Ed helps Marguerite sort throught he eyeballs & tails attached to her bouillabaisse.

And through it all, in France, Holland, Austria, Greece, Italy & Spain, the Websters prove the adage that wherever you go there you are, and the cat named Felicia makes each place a home.
At the end of last summer I went on a Title Wave (the library's used-book retail outlet) buying binge. The first time through I nabbed almost every travel paperback of interest, and on the 60%-off day I cleared out most of the hardbacks, as well.

This book was a great addition to my vicarious travel collection. I wouldn't saw it was awesome all the way through, but it was really interesting and there were many good bits, especially about the blind wife and their cat.

For example, their super mellow cat would be taken out in one of those belly-hugging baby slings into the countryside to see sheep and cows in France & Austria, but never in Greece or Italy where other cats were ubiquitous (since cats are so territorial).

Did you know that the Louve in Paris has a special portion of its museum dedicated to the blind? Students make replicas of statues and, during posted hours, patrons are invited to feel-up reduced sized facsimiles. The day Marguerite was there it wasn't open, but a dedicated employee opened it just for them. (I cried when I read that part.)Another thing I really liked about the book was what a good team they were. It was a really good example of two invested, committed, mature, loving people working together, contributing what they had, to work for the good of each other & their overall relationship. It was quite heartening.

It also continued my own sense of spark about travel, although (a) I don't see myself as brave enough to drive in all those countries, (b) I won't be bringing my cat, and (c) especially since I have no partner to take with me, but generally true anyways, I'm more of a few-week, one-country-at-a-time visitor than a one-year-marathon tourist.

the threat of snow

2012-01-16T14:49:00.000-08:00

There are MANY things I love about Portland, but there are a few things that really annoy me. One of them is about snow.

Or, to be more exact, the threat of snow.

Whenever Portland receives a snow forecast, people far & wide start canceling out of activities, schools start closing, and the environment, in general becomes quite anxious.

Case in point. Last week, there was snow in the forecast. Tuesday morning, my housekeeper's day, this is what the ground looked like.Because photos only give limited information, let me tell you what you're seeing: a white slushee. Big, fat, white snowflakes have floated to the ground and are sticking only on the greenery; on the pavement it melts. Interspersed with few-minute bouts of wet snow are clear times, and few-minute bouts of rain. Notice the wide path of running water making its way to the drain on the corner, just past the curb's edge.

This was the situation at 9am. My housekeeper called to cancel.

After picking up the voice mail, I called her back and said that I would prefer it if she were able to show up. She said the traffic was backed up. I said if she wanted to come later in the day, that would be OK with me. She said she didn't want to miss any of her afternoon appointments, and that the weather report said the snow was supposed to get worse & worse during the week. I said that, of course, she needed to do what she believed in her best interest with regards to health & safety but, actually, it was only really sticking on the grass, that the streets were more like slushee wet (and that refers to my little side street: main streets were certainly quite clear), and that as the day continued the weather should continue to get even warmer. She told me she had already canceled her Wed & Thurs clients, too,and suggested she come on Friday instead. I said that if she felt the need to stay away then she should do so, but it didn't work for me for her to come on Friday (and then back next Tuesday): she should either come in today or simply skip it (and, unspoken, was that her pay would be docked for the missed week). She said she'd call back in an hour to let me know her decision. I said I wouldn't be home in an hour, and she could call if she liked but I'd know whether she came or not because I can always tell whether she's been here or not. I repeated that she should do as she felt best with regard to her health & safety, but, for my part, I hoped she'd be able to come in, and that snow wasn't sticking on the streets. She said she'd investigate the matter further.

When I came home at 12:30 it was apparent that not only had she come, she'd been able to do everything (or, at least, the most important parts) in even less time than usual.

Here's what the ground looked like then:
No snow at all, temperatures in the low 40s.

(My 2-doors-down neighbor doesn't attend his landscaping much, so his leaves often clog my corner street drain. Shortly after snapping this photo I removed a bunch of mud + his leaves from the grate and the back up of water cleared away with a quickness.)

On the other hand, it did snow that night, starting around 8pm. It was gentle, fat, wet snow; it accumulated; it was very pretty. I had forgotten how everything gets quieter (muffled, plus less traffic, too) and brighter (reflected light) when there's snow on the ground.

Here's what it looked like when I came back from my gaming social:The next morning it was very wet & melting: again, like someone had thrown a white slushee over everything. By afternoon it had all disintegrated into water. The next few days we had big rain (not torrential, but not like the often-present sprinkling or light rain).

For that, my housekeeper quit on me: the as-yet unrealized threat of snow.My point is not about her in specific: she's a VERY typical Portlander in that way. Yeah, some of our people come from the Midwest or East coast, and they know how to drive in snow, but generally speaking, fear of the threat of snow shuts people down here, and it's one of the few things about Portland that consistently annoys me.

Famished, by Eugenia Woods

2012-01-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

Stove top, microwaved; organic, free range, genetically-modified; omnivore, vegan; trans-fat, low-fat, low-cal, no carb, gluten-free; breast fed, bottle fed; savory, sweet, healthy, forbidden; pierogi, pizza, salad, curry; Thanksgiving, Hannukah; breakfast, lunch, dinner…. Whether it’s satisfied by a home cooked meal, soup tipped from the can, a Happy Meal, or a burrito grabbed from a cart, our hunger is inescapable, inevitable, and essential. Food is who we are.

Equal parts drama, documentary, social experiment, [Gallagher,] and installation, Eugenia Woods' new play Famished reveals a view of the relationships we develop with and around food and the often convoluted ways we seek to satisfy our essential hunger. Derived from dozens of interviews and performance-based interaction with Portland audiences, FAMISHED reveals the rules, rituals, traditions and sheer pleasures of nourishing ourselves and others. Jan 19 - Feb 5 by Portland Playhouse, performing at 17 SE 8th (Imago Th.), $14 - 23.

"pretentious kale eater"

"I experience my hunger sometimes as a weakness, sometimes as a high"

"sometimes I can crave something & not actually be hungry"

"poly ambiguity"

"it was exhausting trying to earn your desire"

"the memory is in the hunger, the hunger is in the memory"

If you're obsessive about food, the content may trigger you (actor squirming in delight while eating junk food). It seemed, to me, to be very well rounded regarding the various forms of dysfunction and extra baggage that gets attached to food, including a few venues I hadn't pondered.

Word to the wise: When you enter theater, there are all-red attached seats on left. SIT THERE! We sat on the right and missed the overhead projections.

shorted

2012-01-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

I got shorted on a toilet paper roll this week.

I wondered, "If I send in this photo, along with the UPC code, processing stamp, and receipt, what will happen?"

Will they send a coupon for $1 off, a free 6 pack, or an entire 36 pack (from which this came)? Will it be ignored?

Inquiring minds want to know... and are apparently willing to spend a handful of minutes following through to find out. I'll mail my bundle of proof in to Charmin HQ & find out.

Collapse by Allison Moore

2012-01-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

Collapse is about a group of people who are lost & floating in a reality that looks familiar but feels completely foreign. The more they try to control the events around them, the less successful they become at doing so. Allison Moore has created a world that reflects the anxieties of a society that feels like it is at times sliding down the side of a cliff towards an unknown destination. Is it going to be a soft landing into a mountain of pillows, or a wet, messy one into a pit of alligators? (playbill)

You haven't gone to work in weeks, your wife's pumped full of hormones and your sister-in-law has just announced she's moving in. What better time to go on a secret mission as a drug mule? The stakes keep rising in Allison Moore's anxious new comedy of loss and recovery amid the rubble of modern life. Jan 13 - 29, Third Rail Repertory, 1111 SW Broadway (Winningstad Th.), $30-40.

WARNING: SPOILERS

The set was in the style of (I don't know it's official title, but I call it) theater in the round. The stage was in the middle and there were seats on all 4 sides. It was completely uneven, like pavement that had experienced a mudslide or massive earthquake underneath. Additionally, there was a 3 story high ledge (which the actors used) and floating pieces of looked-like-street-pavement hanging from the air. The lowest portion required the actors to enter/exit carefully to avoid head bumps.

Of all the 12 Step programs to represent a dysfunctional member of, the author chose SAA (well, and Al-Anon, peripherally, but mostly SAA). Now, she is from Minneapolis (the land of treatment centers), but one rarely encounters S programs in theater so that REALLY surprised me.

I was struck by how completely & promptly the visiting sister betrayed the confidences, how it was obviously a life-long pattern, and how the home sister must have known this full well, and yet (wrongly) entrusted again.

Then, the visiting sister does a magnificent job at hoisting the responsibility/ follow through for her package delivery on to her brother-in-law, and as that goes poorly, is equally skilled at transferring the worry/ responsibility for his absence on to her home sister.

Good gawd, and then there were the 100 little inappropriate things the SAA in relapse does. The good part of that was that since he carried it through to a clear & obvious-to-anyone inappropriateness, even eventually saying "I realize now I'm in a slip," that one wouldn't be left with the misunderstanding that his behaviors were clean & appropriate.

(I also found myself remembering several times when older men, more experienced in both AA/NA and life, tried that icky blend of program insight with inappropriate little moves with me during my first few years clean which, if successful, would've added up to sexual liaisons. My Fort Knox defenses guarded me so well, though, that none of them, newcomer or oldtimer, were able to "get" me in that way. That undoubtedly was a massive boon to my recovery, as it increased my sense of safety [and decreased my experience of betrayal] in the rooms.)

"Talk backs," where the cast comes out for questioning after the show, are something I always appreciate. At other venues they tend to last longer, but here they happen after every show, so those two sorta even out. I wish half of it wasn't taken by asking the audience what their "take away" from the show was, but, on the other hand, it's my chance to photograph the set & cast without any snarling from ushers.

--REALLY BIG SPOILERS BELOW--

______________________
DRAMA TRIANGLE ANALYSIS

Because Visiting Sister's basic life strategy is "I refuse to take responsibility/ action on my own behalf" she's definitely a Victim, even though she puts an optimistic, carefree spin on it rather than "poor me" histrionics.

Home Sister is harried, rushed, frantically trying to keep everything together for everyone, not even blinking before accepting others' responsibility on to her own plate: a perfect example of an unrecovering Al-Anon (or any other "family & friends" program)... undoubtedly a Rescuer.

Did you notice that it was the wife who got the ticket for the bridge incident, and not the husband? It was a perfect example of how the -Anon can LOOK even crazier to the outside world.

Program Man utilizes the tidbits of truth, insight and massively larger experience as a 12 Stepper to push the sexual envelope with a frightened, confused, overwhelmed newcomer, protesting (social vs. psychological level) his motivations along the way, although because newcomer's boundaries are so terrible events are allowed to progress to disgraceful consequences (hand in pants, kissing)... it could (and does) happen in any program, EVEN MORE in not-S-programs: we call it 13th Stepping, on cop shows they call them perpetrators but TA names it Persecutor.

Yes, Husband steps in to make Visiting Sister's delivery for her (sounds like Rescuer)... but doesn't complete the task (sounds like Victim). Husband is chaotic, unkept, and powerless (sounds like Victim)... but takes action (albeit unwisely) a couple times to try to improve his situation (drinking, climbing bridge). A few years ago I might've been confused, but IMO he's clearly not on the triangle... not with other people, at least.

Visiting Sister was right about one thing: an alcoholic would NEVER mindlessly pour the remainder of their beer into a potted plant. They might eat the dirt to suck the alcohol out of the plant, though. Husband is using a poor tool, but he is NOT an alcoholic.

One could argue that he's on the drama triangle with himself, in that his unresolved trauma (one's car falling into river from a collapsing bridge is a legitimate PTSD inciting experience) is Persecutor; his distressed, disorganized response to the trauma acts as Victim; and his ill-chosen attempts at resolution act as Rescuer.

I don't co-sign that, however. Transactional Analysis is very clear: a fireman carrying a baby out of a burning building is a rescuer, a wife calling in sick for her drunk husband is a Rescuer; a survivor of unbearable circumstances is victim, a life strategy of refusing to be accountable is a Victim. Real life rescuers or victims are not game players, they are people in a circumstance. I stand on "Husband is not on the triangle." Inept choices (climbing the bridge instead of telling wife about elevators and company move) don't, by definition, equal drama triangle.

Sometimes we don't know for sure until hindsight. For example, in the "Yes, but" game it isn't until the instigator refuses EVERY suggestion and then gloats inside that we know it was a game. If the person eventually accepts and acts upon a solution, as Husband did at the play's conclusion, we can hypothesize it was a legitimate cry for help (and therefore not a game).

Want to know more about the Drama Triangle? Click HERE.

art exhibit at PCPA

2012-01-12T23:01:00.000-08:00

Mariah by Janet Amundson-Splidsboel

encaustic, 17x17" $550

the photo came out poorly, but this is my 2nd favorite piece

Lydia by Janet Amundson-Splidsboel
encaustic, 17x17" $550

The white stuff by her head is reflection from overhead lights

Ruby by Janet Amundson-Splidsboel
encaustic, 17x17" $550

I like it

Serenity Muse by Manuela Kalestiantz
encaustic, 16.5x16.5" $375

this one reminds me of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce

Gypsy Muse by Manuela Kalestiantz
encaustic, 16x21" $400

it's overly bold for me, but the longer I linger, the more I like it

Forest Muse by Manuela Kalestiantz
encaustic, 17x17" $425

I didn't even realize it was a chick at first

Unyielding Wind by Linda Womack
encaustic & photography, 13x13" $750

some of those ovals look exactly like sliced almonds

Firehole Sweep by Jane Pagliarulo
monotype w/ encaustic, 9x10" $375

can't explain why, but I liked it

Witness by Melinda Fellini
encaustic, 12x15" $600

not my typical style, but this one works for me

Memory by Betsy Bustamonte
encaustic, 12x16" $400

I like this shade of green

Ebb & Flow by Paula Blackwell
encaustic & oil, 12x18" $880

If this were 1/4 the price, I might buy it

Saturation by Karl Kaiser
encaustic, 16x8" $450

I tried to show the 3-D-ness of it... the lines are 3/8" indentations

Supported Meadow by Andrea Benson
encaustic & mixed media, 12x24" $700

I like it despite the hippie connotations

--to purchase, jeannie@pcpa.com (503) 274-6556

I'd never heard of encaustic before: most of them look like a shiny tile (the kind you'd use as a backsplash in a shower or kitchen), but without being perfectly smooth. According to THIS quickie video, it's about melted wax.

If the PCPA has shown art before I've either passed it by in my efficient traveling to or from the theaters, or I have forgotten it. I am a fan of this type of thing: it gives patrons free art to look at and artists an additional venue to show in. Ditto with restaurants, except I think artists must need to be very brave to post original art directly over children & catchup bottles.

three to see

2012-01-11T22:58:00.000-08:00

Here are 3 tv series (the plural of series is spelled the same) that I quite enjoyed and now recommend. Their only flaw, other than a lack of subtitles, is their small number of episodes. That's how it is with the BBC.

I've also been surprised to notice that when they do veer into "sex bomb" territory... obviously a useful device, at times, for a female con... it still usually comes off so much less LURID when the English do it. I've been trying to dissect this, and the best I can come up with is that the cleavage isn't always huge (a de-emphasis on silicone implants, perhaps?) and the style of clothes are more tailored-classy-nice instead of sleazy-tight-stripper style. The net effect feels so much more respectful, like the women are actual human beings (rather than solely icons for sexual utilization).

In an era of civil injustice and government corruption, English barrister William Garrow's acumen and honor set him apart. Each episode is drawn from Garrow's actual 18th-century cases, making this a legal procedural like no other. 2009-10

The storyline gets a bit sappy at times, but it's good over all; bleeding heart liberals will cheer & take heart in his impact on the laws of England (the drama is based on actual people & court cases of the time); and all those corsets & ponytails are very nice to look at. I also found myself playing the "spot the hairpiece" game, as almost everyone was wearing one.

Proving that good criminals only get better with age, an octogenarian con pulls off daring heists by convincing people he's a harmless old codger. He's a man who always gets his targets -- and always gives his victims exactly what they deserve. 2007

Clever-er, funner, and more complex than description suggests.

A sophisticated group of high-stakes grifters -- led by intrepid mastermind Mickey (Adrian Lester)(Robert Vaughn) -- targets only the most disreputable members of Britain's privileged class for their ingenious scams in this action-packed BBC television series. The team includes veteran con man Albert , alluring swindler Stacie (Jaime Murray), versatile jack-of-all-trades Ash (Robert Glenister) and Mickey's young protégé, Danny (Marc Warren). 2004+

Almost every episode had an ending that surprised me and left me with some feel-good.

done deal

2012-01-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

Escrow closed: sale complete. Many counseling issues ensued (aka different counseling issues followed). Temporarily holding a ridiculous balance all in one place until I figure out how/where to re-distribute things (and how soon the tax man gets his cut). Paid off house mortgage. Pamela & "the arm" disagree with most of what I think is going on... which is par for course. More details in future.

(I Am Still) The Duchess of Malfi by Joseph Fisher

2012-01-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

Is the desire of love or power the most alluring?

Edgy and visceral, this contemporary adaptation of Webster’s classic Jacobean revenge tragedy is a world-premiere production. In this re-imagined classic, the Duchess of Malfi defies her brother’s chess game of power, manipulation and morality. Laced with violence and shocking wit, this macabre, plot-twisting, back-stabbing saga of murder, sex and betrayal doesn’t come to a pretty end. Written by former Portland playwright, Joseph Fisher. Jan 10 - Feb 12, Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, $23 - 50.

While there were funny parts, I enjoyed the narration device, and miscellaneous other aspects that I liked in the moment, somehow it didn't really ring for me in a strong, lasting visceral way. I'm glad I went, but no ringing.

It also seems to me, as far as the plot goes, that if they writer had omitted the last minute's conclusion with The Duchess, but kept everything else the same, that would've been a more satisfying ending. Clearly, however, he (meaning the original writer of the original piece, a few hundred years ago, of which this was simply an adaptation) had other ideas.

What I do really like, though, is seat D21 for the upstairs stage and a partial subscription package to preview shows. I'd like to do that part again, next year, I think.

Yeah, sometimes there are little glitches (the spotlight & the narrator weren't yet in sync, and once someone stumbled over the start of a line), but I get great satisfaction out of the prudence of seeing the same show for a fraction of the cost, reserving big expenses for big shows (Broadway, Cirque du Soleil).

the other theater

2012-01-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

I've visited the movie theater four times in the last two weeks, a lifetime first, I believe. I was able to see all $4 or less a pop, well below the $11 or so that the new-release theaters charge.

Seeing movies in a theater is fun; a rather different experience from a DVD at home. It's also cool when, as with one of these, I go as part of a social and meet someone I like.

____________________________

50/50 was so awesome I gave it its own post: highly recommend. (SEE TRAILER)

Inspired by a true story: Adam Lerner has a pretty great life -- with a talented, sexy artist girlfriend and a cool job with NPR, the 27-year old seems to have it all. But when Adam discovers he has a rare and possibly fatal form of cancer, his entire life turns to chaos.

As his world starts to unravel in every way, Adam finds himself dealing with the wellmeaning but totally outrageous attempts by his friends and family to make it all better. His best friend, Kyle, uses Adam's condition to lure girls into sympathy sex, his overbearing mother loses sight of him in her own fears, his otherwise-occupied girlfriend, Rachael tries to distract herself an increasingly frantic social life, and Katherine, the inexperienced therapist assigned to his case, struggles to keep up with the needs of her third client ever.

___________________________

I was quite taken, especially in the beginning, with the silence in Drive. The main character is often quiet, and there are often long, music-less scenes where near-silence best describes the ambiance. I liked the premise, the car chase scene (there's really only one, because the other one is more about outwitting than chasing) is bedazzling, and the ending is really... realistic smart. I can't go without mentioning, however, the few moments of over-the-top gore made worse by a loud, in-theater sound system. Ugh. (SEE TRAILER)

Driver is a Los Angeles wheelman for hire, stunt driving for movie productions by day and steering getaway vehicles for armed heists by night. Though a loner by nature, Driver can't help falling in love with his beautiful neighbor Irene, a vulnerable young mother dragged into a dangerous underworld by the return of her ex-convict husband Standard. After a heist intended to pay off Standard's protection money spins unpredictably out of control, Driver finds himself driving defense for the girl he loves, tailgated by a syndicate of deadly serious criminals. But when he realizes that the gangsters are after more than the bag of cash in his trunk - that they're coming straight for Irene and her son - Driver is forced to shift gears and go on offense.

_______________________________

In Time I liked very much, and while it was simple, I'd happily see it again. There were numerous (obvious, but not stupidly hard hitting) analogies about power, money, and 1st vs. 3rd world countries... but, as a social liberal, it wasn't painful because I agree with some of their implied points.

It also had a LOT of running (pretty girl had to do it in a cute dress and heels), sorta like Hanna & Run Lola Run, except that In Time didn't "feel" like either of them... even though it did have other similarities, too. (SEE TRAILER)

In a future where time is literally money and aging stops at 25, the only way to stay alive is to earn, steal, or inherit more time. Will Salas lives minute-to-minute, until a windfall of time gives him access to the world of the wealthy, where he teams up with a beautiful young heiress to destroy the corrupt system.

___________________________________

Tower Heist was funnier than I was expecting. Alan Alda is good as a bad man and while I wouldn't call it a credible unfolding of story, I believe that most American would enjoy the ride into that form of make-believe: little guys enact justice on wicked, heartless, money grubbing rich man. I did, and I recommend it, too, as a not-deep, fun movie.

I also, afterwords, found myself thinking that Americans have a similar type of obsessive love-hate relationship with money that they do with women's bodies. We love to hate the greedy rich (when's the last time you saw a movie where the good guy was a landlord, stockbroker, oil magnate, international corporation or real estate developer?) but hope to get rich ourselves some day; We hate women for being fat or thin, being sexual or not... I'm not making a good analogy here, but I'm thinking those are the American culture's 2 greatest obsessions. (SEE TRAILER)

After the workers at a luxury Central Park condominium discover the penthouse billionaire has stolen their retirement, they plot the ultimate revenge: a heist to reclaim what he took from them. Alan Alda, Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller, Casey Affleck, Matthew Broderick, & Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious).

Hamlet, by Shakespeare

2012-01-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

In the most powerful and influential tragedy in the English language, Hamlet wrestles with how to act in a corrupt world. This twisty, tragic tale wrestles with madness, revenge, sex, and treachery in an ominous land of fog and ghosts. But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue. Dec 16 - Jan 22, NW Classical Theater, performing at Shoebox Theater, 2110 SE 10th, $22.

I especially enjoyed the renditions of Dave Bodin for Polonious, Tom Walton for Laertes, and Butch Flowers for Hamlet.

I'm always curious to see what Shoebox will have done with its seating for each new production. They allow the companies who perform to have their choice: I know that at least 3, and perhaps 4 of the walls are open game, in addition to the open space in the middle. And yet the rows of chairs are always firmly affixed to either the ground or risers. (They even have a tidbit of balcony-type space that is occasionally utilized.)

This time I finally got around to counting: 40 seats. That confirms Shoebox as the smallest venue in my theater repertoire.

I've found that no matter when I attend NWCT: beginning/ middle/ end of run, night time or matinee, the theater is full. That tells me that the word is out: NWCT provides reliably great productions at a beggarly price.

waiting room

2012-01-06T09:44:00.000-08:00

I feel like a husband, pacing in the waiting room while the wife is giving birth. ...

[RABBIT TRAIL: If my Mom heard me use that analogy, she'd get all stymied about "You feel like a man? With a wife? Giving birth?" She could never wait to hear the end, she could never sense into an empathy for the commonality of the human experience. It was a very frustrating thing.]

... Pacing, anxious. The results impact me heavily, and yet I have no control, no direct part to play. That's what it feels like.

The situation: This is the final day of escrow for my "troubled property." Odds are very high that the sale will complete this time. The sales price was 15% lower than the already low price I'd been told to value it at, and 49% of what I "paid" for it.

[I put "paid" in quotes because I traded into most of it, and only technically gave cash for just a portion above what I exchanged. Like trading up a car: you give up the old one, then pay a bit extra for a new & better model.]

On the other hand, the tenant has found a new location already (and will probably move in March), and I know commercial vacancies can last for years. This property is unique, the economy is still weak, and it could financially bleed me for a long time until it was occupied again. I haven't had a single lease offer this whole year it's been on the market.

I want to sell. It's not the most hard core financial gain path, but it's the sleep-at-night, pay-off-my-mortgage-and-reduce-my-expenses-by-half (which, in effect, doubles my income), eliminate-worry-about-financially-bleeding-for-several-years option. It brings everything to a peaceful, and yet still cash-in-my-pocket (and, frankly, lots of it) resolution.

I want the sale to go through.

Yet there is nothing for me to do.

It feels like an expectant father, pacing in the waiting room, with no influence over the outcome, and no part to play.

-----------------------
Late morning update: The potential buyer's bank is having some administrative challenge: deal may not be funded until Mon. IMO, the deal is never "done" until the money is exchanged.

-----------------------
Early afternoon update: I have officially agreed to extend escrow and continue buyer's discount. Not with cheerfulness, but from practicality. It's not too late for the bank to find some reason to dis-approve the sale, including problems with the development, the architect's plans, the lack of pre-approval for intended medical use, the funny parking agreement, miscellaneous environmental lawsuits against the development, etc.

----------------------
Late afternoon update: Buyer's funds are in. That makes it a done deal (barring poor timing of a massive earthquake/ tsunami/ nuclear accident, or whatever): it won't be recorded until Monday, but the buyer's all in. Oh, and after recording is when they wire my cut... which is 40% of what the buyer put in.

After reserving a big chunk for Uncle Sam, the rest is mine. I'll have to ask my CPA if I need to "estimated tax payment" that over this April 2012 (for first quarter), or if I can earn (like half a percent) interest on it in a Money Market until April 2013 because it's a "capital gain."

2012-01-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

DENVER (Reuters) - A 36-year-old woman was accused of causing $10,000 worth of damage to a painting by the late abstract expressionist artist Clyfford Still, a work valued at more than $30 million, authorities said on Wednesday.

A police report said Carmen Tisch punched and scratched the painting, an oil-on-canvas called "1957-J no.2", at the recently opened Clyfford Still museum in Denver and pulled her pants down to slide her buttocks against it.

Tisch was charged with felony criminal mischief on Wednesday and has been held on a $20,000 bond since the incident in late December, said Lynn Kimbrough, spokeswoman for the Denver District Attorney's Office.

Kimbrough said Tisch urinated after she rubbed up against the canvas, but whether urine got on the painting was still under investigation, she said.

Born in North Dakota in 1904, Still was considered one of the most influential of the American post-World War Two abstract expressionist artists, although he was not as well known as others such as Jackson Pollock.

Still died in 1980, and the city of Denver worked for years with his widow, Patricia, to secure the single-artist museum. She died in 2005, and her husband's collection was bequeathed to the city.

Four of Still's works were auctioned by Sotheby's last year for $114 million to endow the Denver museum, which opened with much fanfare in November.

Because Still closely guarded his works, most of the pieces at his namesake museum had not previously been displayed.

Tisch will be formally advised of the charges on Friday, Kimbrough said.

--Yahoo! news

This is exactly the type of story that gets reported in The Week. I miss that magazine. I hope I subscribe again, someday.

Homelife + The Zoo Story, by Edward Albee

2012-01-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

At Home at the Zoo pairs Edward Albee’s 1958 breakthrough one-act play, The Zoo Story, with a brand new prequel, Homelife. Homelife reveals Peter’s very controlled and managed life at home before he departs for the fateful walk in New York’s Central Park that sets the wheels in motion for The Zoo Story. This savagely witty comic drama presents a fresh take on one of the most classic pieces of American theater. Jan 4-29, Profile Theater, 3430 SE Belmont, $19-30.

Can a circumcision undo itself? To what length will one go to find connection? In parts, funny, spellbinding, stunning, shocking, heartening, anxious, and gory.... all for under $20!

All in all, I recommend this duo of one act plays. If it were up to me, however, I'd have edited out the last 10 minutes, even though it added depth & meaning to both acts.

making friends

2012-01-03T15:16:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking again about how I have difficulty branching out FROM knowing someone as an acquaintance at a group TO developing a one-on-one individual relationship.

I know I have the skills (and guts) to do so; I've been noodling around with in what way I would do it, with whom, and when.

One lady I know from a Toastmasters meeting has been on my radar for months. Originally I was going to ask her about co-attending a TM event (like a big convention speaker) or a storytelling event (similar, but different, than TM).

The longer I have been soaking in the concepts of TA about varied levels of communication in interactions (social level, psychological level, games), the more I've been relishing a return to what my roots are, what has been my greatest historical strength, the place I feel most filled with empowerment and integrity: the honest, direct, cards-on-the-table approach.

Therefore, today I sent someone this email:

I'm in the market for a few more friends, and I've been thinking for a while that you seem to me to be an excellent candidate.
I wonder if you'd be interested in sharing a meal, beverage, play, walk or card game together.

Regardless of her particular response, I like this as a template. It requires that I have enough sense of self to say "I'm in the market for a few more friends," have it be true (because I already have some friends), and have it not seem to me to be a mark of desperation (which it's not, because while I do want more, I concurrently believe I have great stuff to offer in exchange). It also implies that I have varied activities in my life, isn't bogged down by a narrow window for scheduling, and doesn't to me feel like it comes off too forcefully (an old bugaboo for me).

Somehow, this is Pamela's doing.

Puci Pet Portraits

2012-01-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I gave a shout-out to Puci Portraits.

Mail her a photo, select a size & background, and she'll paint a canvas portrait. Originally she just did pets, then pets with people, and now she does people, too.

Here are my favorites:

At the right price, I'd buy & hang this piece myself.

gaming social

2012-01-01T18:43:00.001-08:00

Lost Cities: a counting game. 5 colors, cards numbered 2-10, and 3 handshakes. Collect numbers of a color. Under 20 results in negative points, over 20 results in positive points, handshakes are multipliers, and cards can only be placed in ascending order. A good game designed for (exactly) two players. German (instructions in English).

After a week of mostly solitude, I particularly enjoyed hosting a gaming social.

I still tend to find myself in the "more is better" bias when it comes to hosting, but the truth is that where there are only a few attendees I have time to take off the hostess "apron" and actually enjoy whatever the actual event is for itself, as well as connecting with the attendees (instead of a nonstop marathon of looking after the needs/ wants of all the guests).

In that way, it worked out just fine that the event (which had 7 RSVPed the night before) had two last-minute cancellations and two no-shows (both of which were new to the group) so that only 2 were in attendance. It also worked out well that I have games that work well for that number, including a new purchase, Lost Cities.

We liked it so much we played it twice, as well as a game (which I acquired in new condition from Goodwill, but is listed today at Amazon.com for $45) of Word Thief.

I'm pretty sure we both enjoyed the company, the smallness of the crowd, as well as the games themselves.

Make words with what's in your own hand or, even better, while stealing a word from an opponent's hand. Word Thief even plays well for those who pretty much only ever make 3 or 4 letter words. Easy, but fun. (Easier than Quiddler, astronomically easier than Scrabble.) Plays well with 2, 3, or 4. Canadian.

hundreds of $hundreds

2011-12-31T16:45:00.000-08:00

Having nothing in my appointment book, I spent today's daylight hours reading the website of a woman who decided to give one hundred $100 bills to strangers.

(Technically, all together, it's really one hundred and thirty one $100 bills).

hundredsofhundreds.com

After purusing them all, I'd have to say my two favorite posts are:

Meeting Tony, for the personality of the giver:

As I was getting ready to pay, the cashier said, “That’ll be $5.29… Unless you want the senior discount.” Heck, yeah, I want it!! Turns out, at our local burger chain here in Oregon you can get a 10% senior discount starting at age 50! I had no idea. I was so tickled with saving 52¢ that I almost forgot I had $100 to give away.

and The Love Machine, for the personality of the recipient:

My list was fairly short and I was at the checkout in no time. As my purchases were being rung up, a man in a scooter rolled by and made some kind of wisecrack to the cashier. “Well, at least I can walk and chew gum at the same time!” she shot back. Ouch. That seemed like a harsh thing to say to a man with only one leg, but he laughed and pretended to toss her a piece of gum. “Prove it!”

second best for dry skin

2011-12-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

Years ago, I saw Dan, my naturopath, and asked him for some advice on really good hand lotion. The skin on the sides of my palms was so dry they were cracking, and I was sick of products that didn't work well enough.

He suggested Fougera hydrophilic ointment NDC0168-0047-16. While it doesn't require a prescription, few pharmacies have it in stock, so he directed me to one that would.

For over a decade now I've been using, enjoying, & recommending this product.

A few months ago yet another of my 1 pound tubs ran out, hence I sought to procure a replacement.

As I have many times before, I ordered it at my nearest pharmacy. This time, however, what arrived was this other stuff. I complained, but the pharmacist was clear: if this is what the warehouse delivered when that was what I ordered, this was all I was going to get from them. A long time 12 Stepper, I've internalized the "we don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing" (the Chinese man with the son & the horses parable) really well, so I gave it a go.

I didn't like it nearly as much. It's dry, clumps fall off while I apply it, it doesn't seem to absorb into my skin as well, and it doesn't seem to make my skin quite as soft.

So I called a different pharmacy and ordered the stuff I like. They said they had it, would order it, and would call when it arrived. When I went to pick it up, however, there was much difficulty locating my order. Eventually they realized that the Geritrex was what was sent (different pharmacy, same substitution). Further inquiry revealed that the Fougera version isn't being produced any more, and 2 out of 2 pharmacies believed Geritrex's version to be the best substitute.

Given it's what's available, and remembering that this isn't truly a "big deal," I'll lump & swallow the change.

Concurrently, I've discovered a method of utilization that remarkably improves the product's effectiveness: apply cotton socks/ gloves afterwords. It's a great technique at bedtime, and now that's my primary method.

I still don't like the replacement as much as the original, but both still beat the standard lotions readily available on any store shelf.

New Yorker Cartoons

2011-12-29T01:24:00.000-08:00

--The New Yorker, Oct 24, 2011

angry

2011-12-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

I'm angry... about a number of things... most of which are related to actions of Michael & Beth.

There's a thing... it's a mess. I've uncovered it, I'm working to clear it up. One of the things I have greatly appreciated is that there's not pressure & fury being bandied about between the siblings on the topic because I'm the only one on the case (I am the official "point person," after all) so I can sort things out on my own, then bring them to the siblings when I'm ready (both emotionally & my business ducks are in a row & quacking).

Well, it turns out that Beth hasn't relinquished her job duties so easily. She's been dinking with stuff. The same ballpark of stuff I've been dinking with.

Now, when her husband was the "point person" for the business, her doing stuff made sense. But since I've been the "point person," for half a year now, that not only doesn't make sense, it can make for a bit of a mess. If she follows through on the tasks she says she plans to, it will be in direct competition for the tasks I'm working on.

You see, we're both working to clean up the same mess. While that might sound like a good thing, because I don't trust their work, it isn't. They create bank accounts and submit paperwork to the State of CA which lists ONLY one or both of them as the business. Additionally, they refuse to share information repeatedly: bank account balances, account numbers. Also, "they" aren't business owners... Michael is.

Beth, his wife, may be his heir, and may volunteer to do all the grown-up business work when Michael is designated "point person" team, but she's not one of the 3 equal ownership LLC owners/ members. They seem to do an interesting dance about who owns what behaviors, responsibilities, credit, and the like (we should pay Beth for her work but not me when I did the same work, Beth's name gets slipped into the documents, Michael says 'don't ask me, it's Beth,' but I can't go to Beth for decisions or votes... because she's not one of the siblings!). I'd never realized that last part before, but they do play tricky with that part. It's not clean, clear, well boundaried: rather, the "boundaries" shift based on whatever side Michael wants it to be on in each individual situation. What a familiar feeling that is!

Frankly, I haven't even probed into the large check written out to "cash" from that bank account it took me 6 weeks to wrestle the bank to get the number of (an account that, during my tenure, used to have all 3 of our names on it). But all this, I hope, gives you a sense: their paper trail, the extreme difficulty garnering information from them, and the incomprehensible absence of Jayne & brother David's name as co-owners on bank accounts and government forms... it's all very NOT trust-worthy.

Well, so.

Because everyone in my family is a heavy triangle player (Michael as Persecutor, David as Victim and Rescuer, and I don't know the wives' roles, but given who they married, they must have ones, too) it's very reasonable to expect a lash-out as a response... for people to read massive insult/ injury into boundary setting, and to over-react as a response. If not instantly, then (likely soon) after.

This is the boundary email I sent back:

Michael's not the "point person" for PP, LLC anymore... I am.

I mean no offense or disrespect, but rather I want to emphasize that (a) it's your turn to be on VACATION from this type of work, and (b) when I need your assistance, I assure you, I will ask.

Please allow me the burden/ responsibility/ challenge of doing this stuff myself... the same way I let Michael have it during his tenure.

This is the time I remind myself...

Their explosion ≠ my being bad, unskilled, inappropriate, or wrong.
If they don't overreact today, they will tomorrow.
It's just a matter of time until they explode/ overreact again.
Sometimes, it's just "my turn" to receive the vitriol.
Their explosions & overreactions are about them, not me.
Regardless of how they frame it, I treat them with respect/ dignity.
I deserve respect, dignity, and niceness also.
Neither mistakes nor rudeness deserve vicious reactions.
I can take all the time I need before I choose what action to take.

50/50

2011-12-27T00:31:00.000-08:00

An otherwise healthy twentysomething has a comically early midlife crisis when he gets slapped with a cancer diagnosis -- and a 50-50 chance of survival. But what's the meaning of life when you're not sure how long yours will last? 2011, R

It's not easy to make a movie about cancer that's touching, genuinely funny, ends nicely and isn't dark.

Short of someone who's hyper-alert to the topic at the moment, (or anyone still in the raging-mad stage of feminism, but they're a no-go on almost anything anyway, so there's nothing special there) it's hard to imagine who I WOULDN'T recommend this movie to. I laughed, I cheered, I cried... even in public.

It was a very good movie.

Cannon Beach photos, Dec 2011

2011-12-26T16:14:00.000-08:00

Cannon Beach

2011-12-26T13:41:00.000-08:00

The week before C-mas I visited one of my two favorite Cannon Beach hotels to partake of the mid-week, off-season rates. With that, plus the extra discount from a bonus email, my one bedroom ocean front room with kitchenette & fireplace was $112/night (+ tax = $242 for 2 ).
My experience of the trip was a bit different from other visits: I have become better at attuning to my inner world and leading with that, rather than sticking solely with my head.

The morning of I didn't have an "impulse towards action," so I lingered about the house and took care of some postponed tasks. Then, around noon, it felt better to go. After I checked in to the hotel, I nabbed some meat sauce spaghetti (had been wanting some for a few weeks) and a huge to-go salad bar (pizza joint salad bars are characteristically different from the types of salads I get elsewhere).
I broke out the euro-game and spent most of the rest of the day with that.

The next day, my only full day at the beach, I spent out looking at the galleries and shops. I love stuff like that in the off season, when almost everything is empty. I was reminded of how akin gallery hopping is to museum visiting... except at museums you pay $10-20 up front and come away with nothing, whereas gallery hopping is free to enter, but might cost $hundreds if you fall in love on the way.

Indeed, that's what happened. You could say that visiting Cannon Beach is bad for my wallet, or good for the local economy, but (once again) spend I did, and I can't say I regret it. I spent a lot of time at one gallery looking at a giclee marked down from $500 to $400 by Steve Hanks (a tan nude sitting on a brown bed) but, in the end, I left without it. I pawed over 2 $95 picture books of work by Pino, but left them there. I even spent a good 30 minutes pondering what was intended to be a birdbath (a low, shallow, pasta-bowl like thing with a tall frog decoration) as an end table, but turned it down after realizing the frog wouldn't mesh well with the other animals in its intended destination. I saw giclees ("gee-CLAYs," spendy but legitimate copies) and silk canvasses that I liked, as well: a few (Cassandra, Joachim) I gave their own blog posts to.When I woke up the next morning, though, it was all about this one photograph. As I awaited the gallery opening, I fed one able-bodied seagull the remainder of my spaghetti, and an amputee (right foot) my last 5 Triscuits.

Nervously excited, I returned to the gallery and found the item still there. The owner then showed me a canvas print, also.In the end I bought a $250 photograph printed on canvas because I liked its detail, cropping, and colors better than the $150 laminated paper photo. It's called Murphy's First Ocean Swim, by Thomas Guffy. The more I look at it, the more I like it. It's superb (although difficult to photograph well on a cloudy day).Other pieces that also won me over included a $40 decorative light piece (glittery green leaves & amber colored globes) to put in front of the "reading girl" on the fireplace mantle; a pumpkin/ burnt sienna colored table runner with leaf details for the dining room table (which, now that I have a close-to-the-ceiling light fixture, can be open without the room feeling crowded); and another Cannon Beach photograph which should match a pre-existing one nicely (photo $20, frame & mat $65, not shown).On the way back, I stopped at a rural junk shop and acquired my very own construction worker safety vest. They look hideous, of course, but every night I drive by a darkly clad pedestrian or bicyclist wearing one, I want to roll down the window and say, "Thank you for making it so easy to not hit you with my car." Acquiring one from the internet had been at the bottom of my To-Do list for a few years now. This one was new, priced at $5, and shortened my list.

Carolus Magnus

2011-12-25T14:07:00.000-08:00

A few days before my recent Cannon Beach trip, during a Focusing session, I suddenly had the thought, "Bring that Carolus Magnus game and learn how to play it when you're there." When the time came, I did. I alternated reading the instructions (5 times, in total) and practicing the game (4 times).

It was curious to do so, because in childhood I often only had myself to play board games with, and so as an adult I don't tend to be fond of playing games solo, but doing so for the purpose of being able to teach others at game socials how to play (with me)... that had an entirely different feeling than the more self-pitying, lonely feeling I recall from childhood.

Once I pulled out the pieces and started the slow process of learning a new, complex-to-me system, suddenly I realized how it must have been that I acquired this game.Rewind back some 15 years ago. Dave & I are playing Settlers of Catan often. I really like it. We visit his friend's game store. I say, "Hey, you got anything like Settlers?" He says, "Carolus Magus." I buy it.

If he were a better sales person he would've said, "Jayne, I know you like Settlers, and I know you're an -- at best -- beginning gamer -- so I would recommend [insert any game at the easy, or, at worst, medium challenge level]." This is perhaps related to why he no longer has games for sale in his store.
Anyway, back to this game. Learn it I did, and I got all but one little detail of it correctly. That one detail came out when I later practiced teaching it to & playing it with Dave.

That one detail (differently colored paladins = cubes can go on each territory) made a BIG difference.

Suddenly, I was sporting the botox siren call: a big time perma-frown. I wasn't having fun, but I was engaged in the challenge. Dave noticed, and offered to quit, but I wouldn't have it... until half way into our 4 game. I chucked in the towel. I realized the game was (like chess) SO challenging (who can keep track of all those variables, for both players, so many moves ahead?) that it wasn't in my ballpark and, short of dumbing it down, wasn't going to be in any foreseeable future.
Even hard core gamers say that, for them, it's a difficult/ challenging game. The difference between them & me, however, is that they find that type of challenge FUN. For example, Dave was intrigued/ stumped/ fascinated.

That's how Dave acquired a $45 euro-game for C-mas.

benches

2011-12-24T11:06:00.000-08:00

To the casual observer a bench seems like a pretty simple design proposition. It is, after all, just a flat place to sit, sometimes with a back and armrests. But that is not the case with Landscape Forms' new Lakeside collection, which consists of 2 benches and a trash can by award-winning architect Margaret McCurry.Known for her Modernist reinterpretations of traditional American forms such as the farmhouse & the cottage, McCurry was approached by the outdoor-furnishings company to create designs that would be not only durable and comfortable but also affordable.

"We had the specific charge of designing benches that would appeal to small & medium-size towns in America," McCurry says. "We had to be very cost conscious." To meet this goal McCurry settled on a folded-steel frame over a variety of other materials because it is simple, sturdy & economical. "I also took into account the way I would like to feel when I sit on something," McCurry adds.
But the decorative embellishments on the 2 benches are pure whimsy. One version has planks of natural wood or Polysite -- a synthetic material used in the design of decks -- staggered along the back that mimic the classic American white picket fence. "It gave an interesting rhythm that enhanced the sense of 'picket-ness,' " McCurry says.

The other is decorated with one of two plasma-cut patterns: shoots of grass that grow from the seat up the back or a picturesque scattering of leaves. (Designers also have the option of submitting their own patterns.) Both designs straddle the line between minimalism and ornamentation, convention and novelty -- a delicate balance that is anything but simple.

--Metropolis, Mar 2006
contributor Mason Currey, pg. 50

silos into apartments

2011-12-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

MVRDV converts a pair of soybean silos in Copenhagen

into an exclusive apartment building.

During World War II a factory was constructed in the Islands Brygge section of the Copenhagen harbor to process soybeans into animal feed. Now, 30 years after the factory was shuttered, 2 of its storage silos nourish well-heeled homeowners. Dutch architecture firm MVRDV has reimagined them as an exclusive apartment building.

Officially named Gemini Residence but more commonly referred to as Frosiloen, the design effectively preserves the silos as empty artifacts. Instead of converting the interiors to residences, MVRDV ... fashioned 84 apartments in an 8 story glazed volume that wraps around the upper 3/4ths of the two concrete drums, linking them in the middle. While the structures retain their discreet circular footprints, a horizontal cross-section in midair reveals an hourglass.

[T]he old buildings in Islands Brygge are "industrial monuments that have to stay to tell the story about the former use of the harbor area." Redeveloping the 147 ft. tall silos also provided NCC with a marketplace advantage. "In Copenhagen you can only build 6 or 7 stories," Blomberg says. "The skyline must always show the spires of the churches."

Glass balconies run the length of the perimeter, taking advantage of the unprecedented height & providing the modest homes (only 968 to 2,152 sq. ft.) with the illusion of boundlessness. In addition to sacrificing this sense of expansiveness, building inward would have forced MVRDV to punch so many doorways into the original concrete that the architects feared compromising its structural integrity. Instead the glass addition appears to float by balancing entirely on a first-floor girder.

The silo interiors now contain dramatically austere atrium lobbies that house the glass elevators & open stairways that lead to the apartments. Hallways and asymmetrically stacked stairwells are clad in ribbons of white corrugated metal, while floors and overhead surfaces are painted black.

"All other color seemed arbitrary," MVRDV principal Jacob van Rijs says. "So the colors are neutral -- black & white-- on the inside. The original concrete of the silo is visible from both the lobby & the street." The graphically striking view from within looks as if HAL 9000 commissioned one of the Escher's Metamorphosis woodcuts.

Absent the original roofs, the gaping holes into the sky that MVRDV first laid eyes on have since been covered with a ceiling of Foiltec, a product comprising air-filled cushions, which floods the cylinders with natural light.

Islands Brygge is undergoing extensive transformation into a residential neighborhood. The city has invested in plazas and a waterfront promenade, while private developers take on other conversions and break ground on empty parcels of land. So when friends told health-care executive Jan Melso that a 2 bdrm unit was available in Frosiloen, he agreed to purchase it immediately, unpacking his boxes in October.

"Yes, the lobby is unusual," he says, "but this is the best view in Copenhagen." And perhaps the best investment: his real estate agent estimates that the property, originally priced at approximately $800k, is already worth at least 20% more.

--Metropolis, Mar 2006,
contributor David Sokol, pg. 30

leukemia

2011-12-22T21:27:00.000-08:00

I hadn't realized it'd been so long, but my veterinarian has records for Spot dating back to 1996. When I got her from the Humane Society, they estimated her age as 3 years, based on dental conditions. That puts her age at 18 this year, 19 next.

She had occasion to visit the vet twice this year, and blood work from both visits showed an alarmingly high increase of (white?) blood cells. The preliminary diagnosis is leukemia, "common in both aging people and animals," my vet said.

If I want to consider chemotherapy, I can bring her in for more tests, in which they would confirm the leukemia diagnosis. Chemo doesn't make all cats' hair fall out (like it does in humans), but rather just their whiskers. They're also prone to anorexia, so feeding tubes are often needed.

The one thing I know for sure is that I'm not giving my cat chemo. I'm not even sure whether or not I'd give myself chemo, and I speak English and thus can assess the risks & odds of reward, whereas all my cat would understand would be a massive quantity of invasive medical procedures, lots of trips in the car, and feeling like death warmed over almost all the time. I'm not giving my cat chemo.

The vet suggested that for "palliative care" prednisolone would be a good idea, helping boost her (something to do with blood counts). So I'm giving her 5mg twice a day, crushed and mixed with about 1 tsp. of sour cream.

I've also decided that since these are apparently her twilight years, I'm not holding back on the kitty treats.

For many years she'd naturally been light (despite the long fur & aside from the kitten size). A few years ago she actually got a bit tubby, with a belly that waggled independently from the rest of her. She's so fluffy, I don't pay attention often, though checking again recently, she's lean there now and I anticipate that won't change again.

I've also noticed, especially this last year, numerous personality changes... some of which I actually like, even while I recognize they're a sign of decline.

All this reminds me, of course, of Naomi's twilight years, which were marked by increasingly frequent medical interventions. I still miss Naomi ... more than any other person, place or thing in my life... even though the loss softens as the years pass.

Part of me keeps thinking, "When Spotkin goes, I'll be all alone." ... a sentiment I don't entirely understand, from a logical point of view. But then, emotions have their own logic.

For now, though, she still appears happy & healthy; I know she has good quality of life. I can't help but wish/hope it would last years more.

Rewiring Dyslexia

2011-12-21T20:48:00.000-08:00

Paula Tallal of Rutgers U. in New Jersey ... suspected that many cases of dyslexia arise not because the kids [visually] confuse the appearance of letters but because they [like adults learning a foreign language] can't hear the sounds for which letters stand. In particular, some people with dyslexia may be unable to process certain speech sounds -- fast ones.

She was right. Some dyslexics struggle to break words into their component phonemes, the smallest units of speech. They have particular trouble distinguishing the sounds of b, p, d, and g, all of which explode off the lips or tongue and vanish in just a few milliseconds. In these dyslexics, the auditory cortex literally cannot hear staccato sounds, much as an ordinary digital camera on Earth cannot resolve the rings of Saturn. The brains of these children do not hear short phonemes.

In ba, for instance, the explosive b lasts a mere 40 milliseconds. The difference between the b sound in bay and the d sound in day comes in that initial instant. If your brain cannot resolve sounds that take so little time, then trying to fathom what a teacher is drilling into you about the difference between the 2 sounds is a real problem.

Since learning to read requires matching letters to sounds, if ba sounds like da, it's tough to learn to read phonetically.

(In contrast, the mmm in mall takes about 300 milliseconds. Children with specific language impairment hear mall just fine.) Merzenich suspected that a brain unable to process rapid-fire sounds, and thus to recognizer the difference between dip and pip, might be different -- physically different -- from a brain that can. ...

Using special software, the UCSF scientists synthesized phonemes that still sounded like spoken English but that stretched out the duration of b before aaa, for example. To people with normal hearing, it sounded like someone shouting underwater. But to the children, the scientists hoped, it would sound like baa, a sound they had never before heard clearly.

In the summer of 1994, 7 school-age dyslexic children spent 5 mornings a week in Tallal's lab. They listened to tapes of the stretched-out speech, hearing instructions to "point to the boy who's chasing the girl who's wearing red" and the like. Point, bay, and girl were all intoned so that the initial explosive consonant lasted many times longer than it does in normal speech.

The children also played computer games using processed speech at home. Over several weeks, the phoneme would creep up ever so gradually to its proper sound, so that what began as ultra-drawn-out phonemes became progressively less-drawn-out ones and finally speech that was almost normal.

The following summer, 22 more children played the computer games that spoke to them in the funny stretched-opt speech. The computer asked the kids to, for instance, click the mouse when a series of spoken b's was interrupted by a p.

Once a child learned to tell the difference between b and p when the initial phoneme was stretched to 300 milliseconds, the software shortened the phoneme by a couple of dozen milliseconds at a time, aiming for a sound that was not stretched out at all.

The results were remarkable. After 20 to 40 hours of training, all the children could distinguish fast phonemes as correctly as kids who did not have dyslexia. After one month, all had advanced 2 years in language comprehension. Fast ForWord, as the scientists called the program, was rewiring the children's brains. "You create our brain from the input you get," said Paula Tallal.

She, Mike Merzenich, and other colleagues eventually formed Scientific Learning Corporation to sell Fast ForWord. It has not helped every child with dyslexia, to be sure. If the problem is caused by something other than an inability to process fast phonemes, the intervention has no effect. But by 2005, almost half a million children in 27 school districts in 25 states had been trained on Fast ForWord. After 6-8 weeks, 90% of the children who practiced on it for the recommended 100 minutes a day, 5 days a week, had improved their reading skills the equivalent of 1.5 - 2 years. ... Thanks to the brain's neuroplasticity [=ability to grow & change], feeding it specialized input -- acoustically modified speech -- coaxes new circuits in regions important for language.

--Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain,
by Sharon Begley, pgs. 103-5

voluntary exercise improves brain function

2011-12-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

"Running voluntarily increases neurogenesis [= the ability of the brain to grow & change] & increases learning, even in very, very old animals [which is entirely different from what science thought for decades]," Gage explained to the Dalai Lama. "If you put them in a learning test, they're smarter. It seems like the effects of running on neurogenesis & on learning are dependent on volition. It has to be a voluntary act. It's not just the physical activity itself."

Buddhism does not have much to say about the value of staying in shape, as a few of the monks, rearranging their robes over the ample middles, noted somewhat sheepishly. But they were intrigued by Gage's finding that only voluntary exercise stimulated neurogenesis in the mice; forcing the little guys to swim or dropping them on a moving treadmill had no such effect. ...

[V]oluntary exercise is marked not only by the absence of stress. It is also characterized by the presence of brain rhythms called theta waves. These waves, which have a frequency of 6 - 12 cycles per second, are also present when you pay close attention to something but not when you eat or drink or are otherwise on automatic pilot.

"Because theta activity can occur without physical activity," Gage told the monks, "the voluntary component could be the key to the promotion of neurogenesis." ...

[I]ndividual neurons in the wheel-running mice "are dramatically different" from those in sedentary mice in 2 important ways. For one thing, they have more dendrites, the little bushy projections through which a neuron receives signals from other neurons. Dendrites are the very parts of a neuron that tend to deteriorate with age. It has become a truism that the better connected a brain is, the better it is, period, enabling the mind it runs to connect new facts with old, to retrieve memories, and even to see links among seemingly disparate facts, the foundation for creativity.

[And] each of these bushes has significantly more spines on it. "Each of these spines represents a site at which neuronal communication can occur," Christie explained at the meeting. "In effect, we are showing that there are structural reasons for the enhanced learning & memory capacities we & others have observed in animals that exercise." The experiments, he said, "lay the foundation for establishing exercise-induced changes in brain structure as a viable [way] to combat the deleterious effects of aging" and might explain the beneficial effects on brain functions of leading an active life.

--Train Your Mind, Change Your Brain,
by Sharon Begley, pgs. 68-9

too much of a good thing

2011-12-19T22:56:00.000-08:00

I just received a "Dear Valued Customer" letter from my bank (the one I just transferred a bunch of money to to encourage them to NOT call the loan due on my "troubled" property: not that I can't make the payments, but rather that its profit margin has almost completely evaporated, and sometimes banks topple things like that by calling loans due) saying that THIS year they were sending me, for C-mas, a box of Harry & Davids pears. I must've crossed the $ limit to turn me into a low level tier "thank you gift" client, because they didn't do this any of the other handful of years I've been banking with them.

What they didn't know, of course, is that my stockbroker sends me the exact same thing every year. (He used to send me chocolate until I asked him to stop; this was his clever replacement. I was so grateful that I never told him about how pears aren't really my thing. One doesn't want to be too prissy.)

Think about it. One person, nine pears, one month (if you're lucky). Oh, wait: make that one person, one month, and EIGHTEEN pears.

Well, worst case scenario I could give EVEN MORE of them away, but... maybe the situation could be salvaged.

It's 11pm. Sometimes, especially just before C-mas, stores are open late. I looked up Harry & David .com, called the phone number, and got a guy! A really helpful, no-accent guy, to boot.

I gave him my information, and he found that, yes, one order (stockbroker) had just shipped, and the other order (bank) was just about to have an address label printed onto it. While we were at it, I verified that there were no other boxes of pears coming my way, too (my brother did that once, but I think I've trained him out of sending me C-mas gifts pretty solidly now). I had called just in the nick of time.

We pondered the options (and, to keep it in the same price range, and avoid chocolate, there were only a few) and decided to go with a box of Honeybells. He said they're a cross between grapefruit (which I detest) and tangerines (which I enjoy) but are "super sweet." AND they won't ship until January.

So, I'll give it a go. Worst case scenario, I'll give away two different types of fruit twice (instead of just LOTS of pears once).

Cassandra Barney, artist

2011-12-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

The Incumbent, 18x12"
click here to buy canvas giclee for $400
This one tempts me... but not for that price.

With Her Heart Full Of Love, She Sat Still And Listened
contact heritagefineart.com for more info

Your Name Is Safe In My Mouth, 23x9
buy canvas giclee here for $325

Ramona, 11 5/8 x 5 5/8
inquire here for price

My Fate Is Not Your Fate, 15x20"
buy canvas giclee here for $500
I especially like this, too. They look like they could be partners.

If You Should Leave Me, 12x24
buy a canvas giclee here for $500
Her eyes are so... riveting. I'd like it better w/o the
squishy stuff coming out of her chest.

Genevieve, canvas giclee, 18x12
buy here, same size, for either $600 or $400

Minerva, 28x14
buy a canvas giclee here for $500
I have to keep reminding myself she's NOT squeezing that owl.

Mother's Prayers, 11x7.5"

buy a canvas giclee here for $50
I find this border especially nice.

Never Felt Joy Like That Before, 10x9.5

buy canvas giclee here for $55
I hypothesize it's a popular piece.

My Friend, 14x11", canvas giclee
buy here for $65
They, also, look like they could be partners.

Be Where Your Feet Are, 26x13, paper giclee
buy here for $250
It just doesn't have the same "pop" as the others, does it?

Saint Cecelia, 10x15, edition of 100,
buy here for $200
This one really is very nice: I like everything about it.

GICLEE = "gee-clay" = a high quality reproduction = an expensive copy.
It's a democratic way to make nice quality, expensive art affordable for the masses as well as provide artists residual income (many paydays for 1 painting).

Joachim McMillan, artist

2011-12-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

It was in Rome that I became enamored with mosaics. At the Modern Villa Gallery in Cannon Beach I discovered the art of Joachim McMillan (whom for some reason I was surprised to find appears black: what, do I think all painters are white? Or maybe it was mostly that he was a man, because I looked at the name and thought, "woman.").

All those art magazines, including those American Artist articles on how to do oils with a palette knife, really came in handy when I encountered Joachim's work. Looking at it quite closely, I hypothesized that he applied layers of oil on canvas, then painted his picture on top, then took the edge of a palette knife (or a dental tool) and scraped some of the topmost layers off. The end result looks (especially on the items I saw in that gallery, because the product had SUCH bright colors, and gave off SUCH a shine) more like a mosaic than a person might think a painter would be able to achieve.

I suppose he finished them off with bionic-strength gloss. Which sounds kinda icky, but I wanted to install one in my shower stall. I mean, I know I can't, but it LOOKS LIKE one could.

I also found his work a good argument for why real art patrons prefer the original work over cheap giclees & posters: the colors dull in the copying, and lose their 3-D quality (especially apparent with oils applied thickly).

Galleries don't like patrons taking photos any more than ushers in nice theaters, so I didn't even try this time: I simply wrote down the name of the artist on the gallery's card, hoping I could find nice images on the internet to demonstrate that which I most appreciate. Here are my results, along with an artist's description of his own work.

By the way, this dude is stunningly prolific. He musta got an A in his business class, because he's in an almost uncountable number of galleries. Which also means a lot of art dealers like his work, because they won't take just anyone.

Anchored, 18x24"

(title unknown)

Waiting on the Wind, 18x24"

Riverside, 24x18"

Up Town Gals, 18x24"

Far Out, 24x24"

Holding On, 8x36"

1. PIXELISM [pix-el-ism]

PIXELISM ART MOVEMENT: Developed and defined by artist JOACHIM MCMILLAN from 2008.

a. a contemporary style of painting inspired by the digital imaging used in computer technology and characterized mainly by presentation of an image whose surface have being fractured into a distinct configuration of squares creating a mosaic arrangement of texture, pattern and color.

b. a manner of painting with the characteristic appearance of a broken surface in which the subject is presented in a fragmented state.

c. a technique of painting in which the artist breaks down the painted surface into small areas using texture, color and pattern thereby creating a multifaceted effect similar to stained glass.

2. IMPASTO FREESTYLE

FREESTYLE ART MOVEMENT: Developed and defined by artist JOACHIM MCMILLAN from 2009.

a. a style characterized by its carefree strokes with the palette knife (or brush) and thick paint application. It is an outstanding expression of how free the artist applies strokes in a carefress or loose manner creating a constructive image that portray action in the viewers eyes.

I don't want to date anyone

2011-12-16T20:03:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that I don't want to date anyone yet.

I've drawn this conclusion because (least important) I keep thinking/ feeling that, but also because (most important) I keep canceling out of events organized for lesbians.

Now, I could meet my next partner at Toastmasters, or a board game social, or at the gym, or at the Humane Society... but, frankly, most chicks are straight and I've never hit ANYBODY'S gay-dar, ever. And I refuse to get an ugly haircut. And I'm just too... long into "being out" to "flag queer" with stickers and jewelry anymore. I won't do it.

This is my thinking: if I wanted it, I'd find my actions moving towards it. My actions don't move towards it. Therefore, I'm reasonably confident that even though I want it again at some time in the future, I really don't want it right now.

________________________
On the other hand, I did include the words "single lesbian" to my profile in all my on-line groups through which I find real-life social groups. I read it on someone else's profile, and thought, "Gee, maybe I should do that."

________________________
Similarly, I know someone who says "I really want X." But when offered X, person won't do Y to get it. Person will do Y to get Z, but not X. So even though I want person to want X, I need to recognize that if someone wants/ is ready for something, they move in that direction. It's not my place to beg, badger, plead, argue, logic-out, etc: but rather to notice, to HEAR the message in their actions.

Noticing that about a different person in a different situation made me more clear about how things are with me in my situation.

_________________________
I've been doing good work with Pamela lately about "sad." I suppose it's about learning how to notice it, feel it, how to hold it... without getting lost into an addictive acting-out place, "process skipping" into some other feeling/ focus, or falling into "temporal lobe dysfunction" where I go to that lost/ floaty/ anguished/ dispairing/ self-hating/ hopeless/ suicidal place.

Plus there's that whole "learning how to receive love/ compliments/ warmth/ gratitude/ appreciation" from others thing.

I KNOW KNOW KNOW KNOW this is critical to my ability to withstand (and select) a healthy, loving, emotionally available/ connected/ nurturing partner who can be an equal. That's my focus now. It's important.

I really mean it when I say I'd rather have no one than (yet another) not-good one.

Knowing that intensity = addiction, that BDSM and polyamory are set ups for me... that is extremely useful information.

Hey, if I coulda known that from the get-go, I woulda. It took what it took. But here I am now.

I'll be really pissed if I get hit by a bus before I can work this stuff out.

Burn Notice & White Collar

2011-12-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

I've been enjoying two con artist shows lately. It turns out they're both from USA Network (the cable channel).

After inexplicably being blacklisted by his government handlers and having all of his assets frozen, quick-thinking and resourceful spy Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan) focuses on finding who burned him and helping ordinary people with big problems. This thrilling Miami-based action series pairs the intrepid hero with several allies, including his ex-IRA ex-girlfriend (Gabrielle Anwar) and covert operative best buddy (Bruce Campbell). USA Network, 2007-10.

I'm 3 seasons into Burn Notice, and (aside from its superfluous T&A shots setting the stage for Miami -- where, you know, not a single pale or obese or tackily dressed person has ever lived... according to the show, anyway) while I wouldn't say it's the best ever, it's a pleasant ride and the drama isn't so horrific I need to drop the series (although I spent several of the first episodes telling skinny-main-character guy to just slap his mom whose Victim-mongering annoyed me to no end... but they did less of that with her later on). Yes, people die, but usually it's him sending bad guys after bad guys, and the death is usually off camera, and always quick, so it's not like CSI where you see 5 gory murder-reenactments every 42 min.

I confess, I also enjoy the updated MacGyver shtick: "how to be a spy & build spy equipment from cheap parts" part of the show. It's DEFINITELY not for paranoid conspiracy-theorists... they don't need more to worry about.

Ultra-suave forger and con man Neal Caffrey (Matthew Bomer) always dresses impeccably, even when he's prison-bound after FBI Agent Peter Burke (Tim DeKay) captures him. To avoid jail, Neal signs on to help Peter catch other white-collar thieves but conceals an ulterior motive. Aided by squirrely pal Mozzie (Willie Garson), Neal searches for his missing girlfriend while using high-tech gadgets and old-fashioned charm to nab bad guys with Peter. USA Network, 2009-10.

I'm only 2 discs into White Collar, but so far I really like it. I like the entourage of main characters: main character vest guy, nerdy best friend in crime, and wife who looks like Valerie Bertinelli (I always liked her look). It's also nice that the "the wife" gets air time, as well as the marital relationship (and not just sexy-lingerie-sex scenes: but genuine relationship building stuff... a few cuts above Hollywood's norm).

I just saw a plot twist where an dopey good guy turned into a mastermind con, and we'll have to see if the "evil" quotient gets so high I have to drop it (like 6 Feet Under, Big Love, Damages, and a slew of others). I also want to pluck all those ultra-bright colored contact lenses out of their eyes. For now, though, it's still good.

Yes, But... (Oui, mais...)

2011-12-14T19:27:00.000-08:00

Sexually blossoming teenager Églantine (Émilie Dequenne) is torn between an overbearing mother , an emotionally distant father and a manipulative boyfriend (Cyrille Thouvenin). Only when she visits a warm-hearted, insightful therapist (Gérard Jugnot) does she find the path to self-discovery. Yves Lavandier's heartfelt portrait of adolescence. French with subtitles 2001, NR, 104 min.

I really liked this movie.

First of all, I want to see almost any movie which has a shrink in it. This shrink, though, is very un-shrink-like, very human and likable.

His approach is totally Transactional Analysis, games, and the Karpman Drama Triangle (but without any diagrams or jargon). Oh, and it also demonstrates perfectly (multiple times) how to use "paradoxical therapy" ... you know, when someone's about to do something stupid & instead of arguing with them, you agree with them (because their real goal was to start a fight, push away, or rationalize a behavior rather than share a genuine position). All that made me like it even more.

And throughout the course of the movie, pretty-young-brunette girl "gets it." When she said "A big snob," when she said "My shrink is totally nuts," "Being a hustler at school is a hard job but the pay is really good, " and "If you jump I will be sad, very sad, but it won't be because of me or dad: it'll be because of your own self-hatred" ... I cheered for her so loud the cat left my lap. :(

Sometimes getting better doesn't require deep understanding of this or that, but rather simply the life skills to be in the midst of heavy "game" players, and yet interact "off the triangle." This movie demonstrated all that in an exceedingly natural and pleasant way.

The only caveat is that there are scenes of teenagers being sexual, so, for me, it was great to have the remote control nearby so I could FF through them.

Buffalo Soldiers (2001)

2011-12-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

Sgt. Ray Elwood (Joaquin Phoenix), a clerk in a U.S. Army battalion stationed in West Germany, spices up his humdrum existence by running a black market that supplies drug dealers with everything from kitchen cleaners to heroin. When he becomes the target of a major investigation, Elwood scrambles to keep his operation covert -- even as he's falling in love with the daughter (Anna Paquin) of the new top sergeant heading the investigation. 2001, R, 98 min.

I was quite engaged by this move, very taken.

It's a slow movie, by modern standards, and has a complete dearth of that shaky-camera style. Some of the camera shots are beautifully arranged, even while the content (or context) depict tragedy.

The main character is likable, although by the end one realizes he must actually be a sociopath, undisturbed as he is by consequences to others.

The plot contains some twists and turns that provide a nice pay off in the end.

For me, the most haunting scene that returned to me afterwords, unbidden, was the (context appropriate) slow motion one man lunges forward with a blade, then the other man lunges forward with his blade.

It also helped that the soundtrack, the musical theme, was spot-on for me... I LOVED it.

While I don't plan to purchase my own copy, as it stands now (after watching twice for content, once for commentary) I can easily imagine watching it several times again in future with continued enjoyment.

In Good Company

2011-12-12T22:34:00.000-08:00

view of stage & seating from outside building

view of stage from 2nd row

I attended the NW Dance Project performance In Good Company; a $33 performance that I liked a lot. Many, perhaps all, of their shows sold out.

The shtick with this set of 6 dances is that the dancers chose the music (limited to the 10,000 record collection of some guy) and then they choreographed their own dances to it. As I understand it, this differs from how these things are typically done, where directors and choreographers plan the whole thing, and then have the dancers enact it.

I don't have a dance vocabulary with which to discuss (much less critique!) the show or its moves, but it definitely falls under the very wide umbrella of "modern dance."

I really liked the masks (although, given there were 2 mask droppings, it's obvious they need to find a way to secure them better). My one "beef" was that during the time they had a high powered light box directly facing the audience, it was hard to watch the dance through the dim studio and directly into the interrogation-style lighting. Overall, my favorite performance was There Will Be Time by Samantha Campbell... about, one eventually realizes, three people waiting for the bus to arrive.

My lasting impression upon leaving was, "I want to subscribe to the rest of the season!"

soliloquy, monologue

2011-12-11T18:49:00.000-08:00

Fellow Toastmasters, honored guests: I’m your Grammarian today. My job is to notice the usage of language, to make a note of it at the end of the meeting, and to introduce the Word of the Day.

A soliloquy is simply when you talk to yourself. It could be a short phrase, or a long speech, but if you don’t intend for anyone else to hear what you’re saying, then it’s a soliloquy.

On the other hand, when it's all about communicating with others, and you have a lot to say: that’s a monologue.

It's Shakespeare's fault that we confuse the two. When we think of sololiloquy, we think of Shakespeare, we think of long speeches, we think, "that must be the same thing as 'monologue.' "

Let’s look at some examples.

When Hamlet ponders aloud, “ To be, or not to be, that is the question.” Is that a monologue -- is he saying it to someone else? -- or is it a soliloquy -- is he just thinking aloud? … (soliloquy).

When Richard III wishes he could just get away from his well deserved, impending death, he bemoans “A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!” … Which is that? … (soliloquy). Yes! He's not asking the invading army for a get away vehicle, his desire is so strong that it just comes tumbling out of his lips.

When two Christians ask Shylock, “What could you possibly want with a pound of Antonio’s flesh?” he answers, “I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes, organs, dimensions, senses, passions?” That is a… (monologue). He's speaking to other people, and he has a lot to say.

Finally, when Marcus Antonius begins his justification for murdering Julius Caesar with, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!” … (monologue)

Bonus points for either monologue or soliloquy. Madam Toastmaster...

_______________

Until this morning, when I finally found a Word of the Day for my next Toastmaster's gig, I mistook, like so many others have done, these two words to be synonyms.

I was quite surprised to find that I'd been misusing one of my favorite words. I triple checked my results, and revised my Grammarian's mini-speech introducing the WotD. In this you'll notice I not only define it, I get the audience to think, define, and say the words twice. With the right audience, it'll come off as fun.

things we live without

2011-12-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

This is my relaxed morning, where I don't have anything in my appointment book until 11:30am. I woke up without an alarm, although about the same time as usual, and spent some time on Pamela protocols... the "I am open to receiving love/ warmth/ gratitude/ good wishes/ compliments from others" and, as a matter of course, continuing the temporal lobe improvement via "I am living in the future now: I made it out of childhood" and "My temporal lobes get stronger every day; there's no reason they can't get to 100%." [This am my TL arm-tested in at 87-88-89%.]

I wonder if it was related to all that which led to thoughts, memories & feelings in the shower this morning. For absolutely no apparent reason, I found myself knowing WITH A CERTAINTY that a former partner read my diaries.

Now that was something that struck me quite clearly about a year ago, when I shredded them. I pondered if I really wanted to let them ALL go, and so flipped through some of the pages from certain time periods. In one... just randomly it came up... I read a diary entry in which I wrote the equivalent of "My counselor said I should leave the relationship because x can't be there for me, it's extraordinary that x can't even y, and that's a non-negotiably unacceptable thing in a relationship." Then, the next entry was "It's the most stunning thing, x did y, which x has never ever done before, and it's the strangest thing."

Not only did x do y, but x did y with the exact same details in which I had written that I wanted y... for example, a green cookie with brown frosting. Now, the odds are so against that very specific thing... it's astronomically unlikely it happened any other way.

And not only that, it was something that x never did again, ever. That's why it struck me as so obvious that diary reading had generated such abnormal behavior.

But, in the shower, even as I knew (again) that it was true that x read my diary, and still totally believe it was related to x's fear of losing me in relationship (coupled with x's fears which most would classify as jealousy), I soon afterwords knew just as strongly that this was not a regular, ongoing practice, but rather something that happened just a few times out of powerless-feeling desperation.

Do you know what I miss? Being in a 12 Step environment where the (for the most part) mutually agreed upon goal is to own one's own behavior. It's all well & good, in some ways, to simply "go forth and sin no more," but it's often (not always, but often) EVEN BETTER to look another human being in the eye and say,

"I did several things that hurt both of us, and I'd like to own my own behavior. You may or may not have known about all of the things I did, but it would help me stay sober if you would allow me the discomfort and humiliation of sharing with you some of my least flattering behaviors, even though I know that you may feel uncomfortable, and might even choose to sever relationship with me as a result. Would you allow me to share these secrets with you? You can say 'no' if you wish, but I hope you will give me permission to continue."

That is what I miss about 12 Step. Not everyone can do that to that degree, but it is an environment which strongly supports that type of thing.

That is what I really want from x, and, come to think of it, a whole lot of others, too, including my dead stepfather: an ownership of wrongs done. That is the amend I'll never get from so many, and that's how real life goes.

In turn, there must be others I have similarly harmed, in ways that I have been oblivious of, and thus will never make amends for.

Strangely, though, it seems right & appropriate for me to say that I am pretty good, generally, at owning my own behaviors, once I see them. I do tend to be willing, and even prefer, looking another in the eye and saying, "I harmed us both when I ... read your diary... stole money from your purse when you went to use the restroom... wrote your home address on the internet... purposely led you to misunderstand my relationship with z."

I find a sense of personal empowerment that comes from owning my own behaviors, even (especially?) the darkest of behaviors, that is unobtainable by any other means.

The more of my old business I put to rest, the better I am able to resolve the grip of the past and be freed for a brighter future.

Meanwhile, anyone who wants to come clean about harms they whitewashed: consider yourself invited.

_____________
That kind of behavior-ownership I indented above: this is the sort of discussion I have had several times with Dave. Well, not so much "I read your diary," but more "I am angry and I'd like to tell you about it. Is this an OK time for that to happen?" followed by a lengthy, emotional soliloquy in which the speaker owns their own responsibility/ feelings, and the listener stays in supportive relationship while hearing an unflattering rendition of several pain-causing, less-than-admirable behaviors, without attempting to explain, pacify, justify, belittle, of make-better. Rather, to just hear & be, together.

(Example: NOT "You were a low down, dirty, S.O.B. when you...", but rather "When you told me x, but then you acted y, I felt z, and then I didn't do the ideal of telling you about it, or maybe I did but not very well, and I was so hurt and angry; I never felt like I really got you to hear how very hard that was for me.")

It's a magnificent thing, and an ability I suspect I will find an absolute requirement in my next partner.

massive infusion of fun & what happened next

2011-12-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

Last week I felt fine (Pamela intuited, and the arm agreed, that I was disconnected) until I went in to spend time with my shrink. Then we did stuff, and I felt this enormous lake of sadness.

We identified this as a one (of the perhaps 385 different) patterns that leads to binging:

sadness --> emptiness --> binging

I notice that looks a lot like a pattern I saw two years ago with anger. At that time Pamela showed me how I would slip out of anger into shame (as in my internal world it was obviously OK, even right & appropriate, that *I* am bad, but to say "It's not OK that you harmed me, you shouldn't do that, and I'm mad about it" is intolerable to something inside me and that leads to slipping OUT of anger, which is what I really feel, to shame... clinicians call that "process skipping").

From what she says about the impact of emotional neglect (that's her word and she keeps using it)(once you buy into the idea that early development stuff is the foundation upon which our selves is built, and that things -- as anyone with MPD/DID knows -- that are intolerably painful can split off) in crib-years, it makes a lot of sense. Attachment theory points out that infants who are ignored eventually stop asking for assistance, and just go into dismay. It makes sense that sadness could become overwhelming.

Whatever. The part I'm mostly concerned about is addressing... my mental health equivalent of a massive line of ants leading to the same place: binging.

She noticed something she thought was good (and this woman is sparse with compliments, so we know she means it when she says it) I still have lots of "resource," the Temporal Lobes are functioning well, the sad is current (instead of intrusive old material coming into the present), and I'm "experiencing it freshly from the heart... perhaps for the first time."

I'm still a bit vague on what Pamela means by "from the heart," but I'll tell you, she's all about that (& always has been). For her, it's the pinnacle of ... mental health, I guess. All her talk of things like "heart," "pleasure," "happiness," "intuition," "chakras" and the like used to make me cringe, but repeated exposure has diminished my defensiveness/ contempt/ exasperation/ feeling of threat/ ridicule of (what I used to call) the Care Bear stuff.

I also asked "the arm" what the sad place needed/wanted. I thought the answer was going to be more sit still/ do nothing/ be inactive/ Focusing/ meditation time. HA!

IT ("the arm") said what it wanted was more fun activities (like with other people)... just the opposite of what I thought would be indicated.

Now I'd like to address that next week.

I spent lots of time at home, watching DVDs, and there was binging. Thursday I had a funny storytelling show (a fundraiser for MS) that I'd paid for, but there was no one else going with me, so I skipped it. All I wanted to do was hide out at home.

Then, in the course of ONE weekend I attended: (1) a diary reading show: very fun, and funny. Someone else attended, and I enjoyed it. (2) Toastmasters, where I heard a truly awesome & memorable dodge of the topic of C-mas trees (I'll blog about that later), (3) the Portland Gay Men's Chorus (spectacular!), (4) I hosted a women's board game social (where fun was had by all, and the event went off as smooth as butter due to someone's skill at hostessing), (5) a long phone call with a good friend, (6) an architectural lecture & tour of a mini-mansion (attended by two others whose company I enjoyed), and (7) live time with another good friend.

I can't help but think it's (at least a partial) consequence of the massive infusion of a wide variety of fun, including friends, that led to my ability to step aside from desserts & binging, and to do so pretty painlessly. Yet, I'd be lying if I didn't say that part of me still finds that surprising.

Pamela asked, and "the arm" agreed, that it was very strongly related to my massively improved Temporal Lobe functioning. (We first muscle tested it during my post-BDSM difficult time, wherein it tested at 18%, but the latest number is 85%, probably trebling my previous life time high. Research agrees: TL function is abysmal in ignored babies. In those cases, there is no visceral sense of "future" which really dis-empowers the ability to make best choices.)

With all that as a foundation, Pamela then asked if I was able to take in the warmth/ pleasure/ goodness of friendly company.

I spoke of my surprise when the woman who attended two of those weekend adventures with me had, upon parting company, made a statement that sounded as if she had a sense of pleasure & connection from her time with me, as if it had something to do with me personally. I told her that I noticed that, but it had little meaning to me, other than to be oddly curious, although obviously a good curious.

She said it was as if I was "impervious," and the goal was to make me more "porous." I knew exactly what she meant, and I agreed with both her assessment & the goal.

We then asked "the arm" her question (Can I take in the warmth of another person's appreciation?) and it indicated "no." I spoke of how I was fairly good at learning how to do roles (hostess, 12 Stepper, BDSMer, sponsor/sponsee, employee, service worker, patron, or pursuer of relationship), but found it challenging to "just be" and then flow with a potential warm connection.

I also saw immediately how to be able to do that would be a massive boon to both friendships and potential future relationships, which is really all the incentive I need to plunge ahead.

She spoke about how my skill at "following forms" was an adaptation (albeit with many beneficial side effects), but she thought my clever wit & intelligence (Ex: she had a new thing in her office: a decorated gourd from Africa, with a carrying strap, for carrying blood or milk... I noted that would be the African version of a plastic bottle... which she apparently thought was clever) came from my "true self." She also said (again, she doesn't offer superfluous encouragement, so I trust her to literally mean what she says) that she believed that the ability to ... something like... receive openly in my heart the warmth & appreciation from others to be "near at hand."

I noticed that as soon as she used the phrase "true self," something in me felt wary.

In the end she suggested (after "the arm" agreed to all components) a protocol called "Remembering the True Self" (heart/forehead, heart/crown, forehead/crown, infinity heart breath) with the intention "I am open to appreciation from others."

Repeating it to write it down (homework, you know) I Freudian slipped it to "appreciation to others." "No," she said, "appreciation FROM others."

I can tell I'll have to really work at that. It'll slip, left to my own devices. Oh, I know: "I'm open to receiving appreciation from others." That'll do it.

I like this assignment/ topic/ current event/ material because (a) it's nice to have such fluffy, non-anguishing material be the topic of counseling attention, and (b) I'd love to have this thing (don't quite know what to call it) installed. It'd make a lot of things that arise in social situations much easier/ more intuitive to handle, and as I've recently discovered elsewhere, more sources of pleasure not only increases my happiness, but it reduces the hold/ enactment of addictive behaviors, as well.

_________________
The next chapter.

As if to demonstrate the point via exaggeration, my Netflix queue that evening brought me the movie THE REMAINS OF THE DAY. The butler is impervious to an astounding degree: more computer-like than (Star Trek's) Data, really.

Doing the "homework," I was pondering what an "open, porous heart" would be like. It came to me that perhaps I might open up to people in the same way I open up to animals. ("The arm" agreed this was a good description.)

I could see right away how wonderful this would be, both for myself, and for having an impact in the lives of others. It's not super common that people can be well boundaried and open hearted: when we know someone like that, we tend to treasure them.

I also supposed that my growing skill with the drama triangle (including games, projections, and the "hot potato" shame game -- I'm not bad, you're the one who's bad, or the reverse: you're not bad, I'm the one who's bad) have helped me be less triggered around those whose unhappiness leaks out to others, which sometimes includes me.

And, of course, none of this would be possible without the copious work with Pamela to make more tangible my formerly very amorphous ego... which couldn't happen without the decades of clean time & healing I got in 12 Step.

To be able to move from "treat a baby like a dog... act excited & silly, make funny faces" as a FORM to ... I can write the words, but I can't viscerally experience what it would feel like ... to actually FEELING the same kind of love/ compassion/ kindness/ enthusiasm/ openness for generic human beings (including babies) like I do with animals... now that would be a ... outta this world.

Joy to the Modern World by PGMC

2011-12-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

PGMC

PGMC, detail

This Portland Gay Men's Chorus holiday show was them at their best: all one hopes/ has come to expect from them, and then some.

It's always a bit of a variety show. There were sweet songs, funny songs, gay songs, international songs, and traditional holiday songs.

The three that stood out for me as the very most enjoyable were: Wedding Qawwali (an African sounding song), the iBand's instrumental songs (played entirely on iPads ... the choral bells were my favorite, good enough to almost make me want to get one, although the phone-shaker-thing was the funniest), and (but, of course) Gaga for the Holidays (featuring 3 Gaga-esque drag queens, of which the Hanukkah menorah was my favorite).

Yes, once again, a good time was had by all.

I was in the 2nd balcony which, trust me, is VERY high up in the air. Surprisingly, the slope of that 2nd balcony was so steep that while none of the performers appeared large, my view was entirely un-impeded. Good engineering is a boon to everyone.

Menora Gaga, detail

C-mas ball Gaga, Menora Gaga, & Thorny Golden Gaga

The Albee House

2011-12-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

My realtor has always called it the "Mayor's Mansion," but the Architectural Heritage Center calls it The Albee House, yet another surviving Portland masterpiece by architect A.E. Doyle.

This beauty was designed in 1911, built in 1912, and occupied in 1913. It's nowhere near the scale of the Pittock Mansion, but each time I ponder these turn-of-the-last-century, uber-rich, white men's grand homes I am always a bit soured upon learning that it took longer to build (8years) than they survived to live in it afterwords (5 years). It's refreshing to see an exception to that silliness. It's nice, but really it's just a large house.

The current owner has it on the market (and the price keeps dropping: currently it's at $1.75mil, and I heard the property taxes are $28k/yr) and it is beautiful inside. I don't just mean the to-be-expected amazing woodwork, built-ins, modern kitchen, palatial landscaping, leaded glass windows and view (it abuts Laurelhurst park), but the color scheme of the painted walls... very nicely done.

The architectural lectures were short but interesting. We were taught to see the copious Greek columns in the building (the Parthenon was considered the "perfect" building structure by architects at that time) as well as those of Arts & Crafts (Colonial Revival, to be specific).

The house was CROWDED, even though the A.H.C. deemed the event "sold out." It was, in effect, the largest "Open House" I've ever attended.

My photos are mostly of the little decorating touches that I particularly enjoyed rather than that which makes the building itself so magnificent.

Nothing quite matches the original version of real wood paneling
in the dining room like a beautiful wood clock that chimes.

You know you're rich when...
your pocket doors have leaded glass.
Matching the bookcase doors... that's just style points.

leaded glass ornamentation detail
(stylized flowers.. or trees... very Arts & Crafts)
Notice that the glass is so thick, it's beveled.

fireplace mantle of family room in basement

plant stand in Living Room, hardwoods with edging
detail, and functional radiator heating

Mortified Live!

2011-12-06T08:33:00.000-08:00

Once again members of Portland's community came forward to reveal their embarrassing pasts... on purpose, and probably without pay. Exhibitionism at its finest!

Here are some memorable quotes:

"I tell her her teeth are so yellow 'I can't believe it's not butter.' "

Written by a 6th grader: "I got dumped by a 4th grader!"

"I'm secretly giving up name calling for Lent."

Excerpt on the history of superstition about ladders: "A ladder was used in the crucifixion of Jesus so that, itself, is bad luck."

"Who sells the fragrance of contentment? I want it to slip down my brain like ambrosia."

"Never again can I claim my chronologically ordered Skittles collection as my most interesting quirk."

"Bear: You alone can make my song take flight."

"My senior year where I successfully but barely kept my virginity."

"We held hands the whole time & that really gets me going."

The guy in red cape told how he was a total D&D fan, carrying his 27 sided die to school in a pouch hand-sewn by his mother, until the day after he attended a D&D convention. It scared him so much he never played the game again.

Mortified Live! plays at Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan, $16. 21 and over. Next show: Feb 14-5, 2012.

Word to the wise: I arrived at 7pm for the 8pm show and had to do some serious finagling to nab 3 seats together... upstairs in the most side corner. For a large party, one MUST arrive before 7, probably 6:30 or 6 (when doors open). Show also sells out, so buy in advance.

anything about C-mas trees; or nothing at all about them

2011-12-05T11:11:00.000-08:00

A bit like in a 12 Step meeting, each week in Toastmasters a different person serves in the various roles. This week's Toastmaster (think: chairperson, the MC) is a more experienced member who likes to (it feels to me a bit like) push & cajole members into giving more.

Early in the week he sent an email requesting an introduction (even though I'm just Table Topics Master, not a Speaker presenting a speech) which included "3 facts about me that wouldn't be found in a resume."

Writing one's own introduction feels peculiar in the same way that touting one's strengths in an employment interview does: the mind recognizes the necessity, yet the practice goes against the grain. At least, that's how it is for me and many of my friends.

Yet writing good introductions is one of the 25 different skills Toastmasters teaches us. A good introduction includes something personal, something interesting, and something that touches in some way upon the topic of their upcoming speech. Mediocre introductions are dry lists of achievements: great introductions are entertaining, inspiring, and add a more human element to contrast the professionalism of the actual speech. Or something like that.

Jayne won't be stringing lights on her house or stacking presents under a tree this holiday season, but next week she will be attending her first of two mid-week, winter-rate pilgrimages to an ocean front hotel in Cannon Beach.

A fan of frequent rain, blustery winds, and changeable skies, she's lucky enough to actually prefer winter storm watching during the discount season to the more popular, expensive, and crowded summer season.

Presenting today's Table Topics, please help me welcome...Jayne .

And here is my Table Topics presentation. I think most people just do this off the cuff, but I find if I prepare & practice I do it better, and then after doing it that way 10 or 15 or 25 times I'm much better at doing that particular thing off the cuff. In that way, it's a bit like speaking (or making announcements or giving a financial report or chairing) at a 12 Step meeting.

Hi. I’m Jayne and I will be presenting Table Topics, the audience participation portion of the meeting.

Table Topics are 1-2 minute impromptu speeches. The lights at the back of the room signal you about your time progression: green for 1 minute, yellow for 1 and a half, and red for 2.

I’d like to present 2 levels of challenge for you today.

The first, easy level is to simply address the topic: Tell us anything about Christmas trees. It needn’t be true, although it can be, and you get bonus points both for using the word of the day, and also if you can make a funny story.

The second level of challenge is to sidestep the topic.

Have you ever had someone ask you a question so personal, invasive, bold, direct, and inappropriate that – like that commercial – you wished you could just get away? In real life we can’t just get away, but skilled communicators know how to give a politician’s answer, an artful dodge to a direct question. The second level of challenge, my friends, is to NOT address the topic of Christmas trees.

I've never heard anyone else offer sidestepping as a TT like this before, but it is within the purview of Toastmasters. While I know how to not answer a question, I'd really enjoy increasing the artfulness of how I do so... to come off more like Bill Clinton and less like a bull in a china shop. Watching others -- more & less skilled than I -- should be quite instructional. The more because I see what they do right, and the less because it can demonstrate so well what to not do, and why.

Toastmasters is work, but it can be quite fun, too.